Poem: For You: a Long Gone Bye

My presence still finds its tenses in your penance
No longer waiting
No longer questioning
No longer...no more
Yes, you see the me free from the bounds of you
Living, breathing art unbound from boxes of misunderstanding...Passion
Think love?
No longer love at all
How can you love something never fully understood?
You are to me a long gone bye
Nothing more, nothing less
No more poetic beauty displayed for all to see
No more loss of intellect and convincing of the heart
No more coaxing in attempts to help you see
You never understood after years of my standing unveiled in your presence and absence
No longer caged by you I am free to love, hold peace, and freedom
Things you stole long ago through selfishness and selfcenteredness...
Are now more beautiful, more vibrant, more alive with the absence of you
For you are nothing more than a long gone bye
Maybe, just maybe, a cup of lukewarm tea of the future after time has passed
But for now, nothing more than a long gone bye

Moving...

to New York City!!! More details to follow :)

Road Trip

Finally, I'm going to NYC to make my decision about it in a little more than a week. I woke up with a sense of urgency this morning needing to know where the heck I'm going next. And as the synapses fired, I figured, why not next week? Why not??? So I called hoping to find my boss and was told to call back in a couple of hours to get the final say on my request off. Then I called my Mom and a close friend to arrange a place to sleep on my way back. Place to sleep? Check. And with fingers crossed I called my boss back and was told I could have the time off. Yes!!!

NYC, here I come :)

Fighting Till the End

Sorry this has to be brief. I'm dealing with the inner conflict of wanting to be done with school and another class is about to start in 20 min. It's continuing to look like the NY is the place to be and going there by myself is a little more than scary. I'm looking at taking this next year to write my book and get published. It could be a total flop and that's another scary thing, but writing's the only thing that I've been passionate about my whole life. Yes, ever since I remember learning to write short stories in elementary school, I have had a love for words and how they play and create meaning on a page and in an audience. Writing has always been a huge part of what composes me. My love for the arts and God have been those other parts. God gave me creativity and I can't continue dismiss it as being futile because it's not seen as a "practical" endeavour. Recognizing that I need to be among other artists, a place that is teeming with creativity, NY continues to seem like the only option for relocating. So, I'm fighting to get out and move on.

A question of audience...

I used to think that I had my own little corner of cyber space with this blog, but I'm not so sure anymore. Thanks or no thanks to Jaiku, all someone has to do is type in my full name to access this blog and that's not too cool in my opinion. They don't have to be a member of Jaiku to access info. to get here. And for some strange reason, I have no problem with complete strangers reading this and those I'm close to reading this as well, but it's everyone in between that leaves a sense of unease. Furthermore, as I think about the possibility of writing a book over the next year and looking into getting published in NY, I'm not so sure how much to unveil here. So, I'm thinking...do I want to make this page more private than it already is? Do I delete my Jaiku account for greater privacy? Do I get rid of my real name and start using a pseudonym for this and other more private texts I write? These are a few questions I wonder about.

So as I look into creating a more public writing voice suitable for publication, I'm thinking about audience and the different levels of privacy needed for writing. And yes, NY continues to look more and more positive as each day passes.

Oh and as a side note, I've never really called myself a "writer," but other people have for a long time and it seems to be an appropriate fit since it has been a long-time passion. I guess it's one of those things that others recognize before you do and you grow into it as you grow into yourself--who you were designed to be. Kind of like a name, its meaning can proceed you and you can grow into that meaning.

Loose Ends

Wilder than most, I've come to recognize that my heart does deal well with gray but not instability. Over the past month, I have slowly opened up to the idea of letting someone close to me again. But much of what has conspired of late lays well with the deciphering of messages in Tori Amos' song "Not the Red Barron." Like radio waves intermittently laced with static, the messages of the spoken and unspoken have become a little difficult to sort out. Trying to read the spoken and unspoken text of now, I proceed to move forward.

New York seems to look more and more promising as I evaluate what it is that makes up me and what it is that I want to do with my life. There is resonance, but there is still an unsettled feeling. The very real reality of being alone with no traveling companions on this next venture is part of the unsettled anxiety I deal with. It is likely that I will know no one on the next leg of this trip and I don't know exactly what to feel about that. There is also a very present academic push to tie up loose ends in order to move on. Maryland has been in many respects a stop over point, a temporal breath in the span of my life as I believed it would be when I first came here.

Much seems to be happening in the winter months ahead and a chapter seems to be ending for quite a few people as another page moves to turn. The youth pastor I have worked under for over a year will be moving to Michigan. My classes will be done in January. Someone close to me will also moving in January to one of the places I've always dreamed of someday inhabiting.

After Rick leaves for MI, I do not plan on continuing with The Edge at my church. In many respects, I'm afraid the approach to "youth group" will just turn into another "cheesy" Christian thing and I'm not up for participating in "cheesy" anything in relation to God. It's a bad representation of Him and is not something I could really endorse. It's also a fact that I won't be in MD much longer and it seems that the winter break would be an optimal time to transition out of The Edge and possibly Bay Area Community Church. It's time to start setting some roots down somewhere else.

Some trips need to take place too to further decide where it is that I'm going to go. For some reason, I think I'll just know what feels like home when I'm there. I've compared the living costs in San Francisco and NYC and they're both pretty much the same...expensive, but doable. Since NY is a lot closer than CA and only requires a road trip, I'm going to make a road trip up there within the next month. It would be cool to have someone there, but I think I need to just experience it by myself and sort out stuff up there to make a decision. I don't want to be swayed by the opinions of someone else. And I really need to own my choice. Call it selfish but I don't want to move for anyone. I can't, because I know I'll place some level of blame on that other person for screwing up the flow of my life if things go awry. In hind site, I would have never come to MD if it weren't for my ex-fiance and have gotten over kicking myself in the butt over that one a while ago. If not for him, I would already be in NY or CA. I would probably be getting my degree from NYU and not UMD, but 'tis life. Just don't want to make the same mistake. And if there's an overwhelming sense of "This is it!" when I go up there, then that will be that. Two of my closest friends are in CA and I know there's always an open invitation there if I don't move there. And if all crap hits the fan in one place or another, then I can move if I so choose. I guess this is one of the beauties of not having a husband or kids yet. Literally nothing is holding me down except for my degree and soon that will not be the case.

Furthermore, I would like to make a "home base" for myself. A place that will always be home even if I'm away for a couple months/weeks at a time skipping around the world or country. I know traveling will always be a part of my life. I like exploring way too much to say that it won't be. And for this next season, I would be content with moving, getting settled in, and working just for the sake of traveling until I go back to school. I think my Mom mentioned that a while back; and I didn't pay much attention to it at the time, but I think she's right. Yeah, I should learn to say that better since I've bucked the system pretty much my whole life and have been extremely independent. And if you're wondering, no she didn't want me to go to Italy, Thailand, Kenya, or MD. Thank God she still loves me, though ;)

So as I continue to tie up loose ends in MD, I recognize the importance of needing to truly own this next season. I cannot go anywhere because of romantic feelings that grow serious. That will not be a primary motive. And if I stumble upon love somewhere down the road, then great.

Opening Up the Down Lines

The lines dulled by time
Sparks of thought still move on
Letting go of ponderings unmet
No little hands to hold
No circled fingers of promise
Am the barren women that's supposed to sing?
Needing this?
Time lost in the caverns of the unanswered and unknown
Communication lost through the shuffle of time
Somehow dead

And space is needed
Opening up the down lines
Washing off the soot of widow's loss
Clearing room on the heart's threshing floor
Making room for freedom of thought, expression, and love
ART is not dead nor Passion
Weathered but not broken
And you see 27 canvases, not merely one
More seen than said as wind blows on sparks of electricity
Opening up the down lines of communication

Insight from The Message Translation

Matthew 15

What Pollutes Your Life

1-2 After that, Pharisees and religion scholars came to Jesus all the way from Jerusalem, criticizing, "Why do your disciples play fast and loose with the rules?"

3-9But Jesus put it right back on them. "Why do you use your rules to play fast and loose with God's commands? God clearly says, 'Respect your father and mother,' and, 'Anyone denouncing father or mother should be killed.' But you weasel around that by saying, 'Whoever wants to, can say to father and mother, What I owed to you I've given to God.' That can hardly be called respecting a parent. You cancel God's command by your rules. Frauds! Isaiah's prophecy of you hit the bull's-eye:

These people make a big show of saying the right thing,
but their heart isn't in it.
They act like they're worshiping me,
but they don't mean it.
They just use me as a cover
for teaching whatever suits their fancy."

10-11He then called the crowd together and said, "Listen, and take this to heart. It's not what you swallow that pollutes your life, but what you vomit up."

12Later his disciples came and told him, "Did you know how upset the Pharisees were when they heard what you said?"

13-14Jesus shrugged it off. "Every tree that wasn't planted by my Father in heaven will be pulled up by its roots. Forget them. They are blind men leading blind men. When a blind man leads a blind man, they both end up in the ditch."

15Peter said, "I don't get it. Put it in plain language."

16-20Jesus replied, "You, too? Are you being willfully stupid? Don't you know that anything that is swallowed works its way through the intestines and is finally defecated? But what comes out of the mouth gets its start in the heart. It's from the heart that we vomit up evil arguments, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, lies, and cussing. That's what pollutes. Eating or not eating certain foods, washing or not washing your hands—that's neither here nor there."

-----
Meditating on this and Gavin DeGraw's song "Belief." It's the first song on a play list I created a while back here. Tired from lack of sleep and thirsty for God...

Change and Challenge

It's been quite a while since I've felt like all my mental faculties were being used to their maximum capacity. I think the last time was when I was news paper reporting, working on the Veteran's History Project for the Library of Congress, and doing program consulting for a senior citizen's center in my home town all at the same time. It's crazy to think, but I did all of that after my first semester in college. I was 22 at the time and I felt so alive then. Challenged! And I think a season of that is on the rise again. One would think that a university setting would be challenging and it is to an extent; but there's just something about being out there doing what you only talk about in the classroom. I feel a season of change and challenge on the rise and it feels great!

Where to go from here?

Over the past months you've heard me mention the possibility of moving to NC after I graduate. And for various reasons, most of which are very personal, I've almost completely scratched that off the board of possibilities. So I'm wondering where to go from here and recognizing what makes me tick doesn't seem to fit into the middle of nowhere. So the places I'd thought of quite some time ago and have thought of for years are back on the board of options more specifically California and New York. New York is looking more likely since I don't want to move for an indefinite amount of time away from family and friends and would like to keep the option of being able to hop in my car and take a day trip to see people. But I'm still fleshing out my options, praying, and seeing what is possible. We live in a big world, ya know? There are too many options! But, that's what I love about this place anyways :) There's more than a life time's worth of exploration to be had. So, I'm still wondering...Where to go from here?

Finding Some Space

These past few days have been quite hectic between finding balance between school, work, and relationships. There have been great moments and less than wonderful ones too, but that's life. Tomorrow will be three weeks since the entrance of someone quite special into my life. He's much of what I've always wanted, but thought would never find. The arts, the out doors, the comedy, there's a lot in him to admire and respect, much of which I'll save for the privacy of him and for us.

But for now, I am enjoying space. I savor the fact that I'm not being "pushed" into anything before its time. There's enough time together and enough time apart to not feel like I'm being smothered. And the time we do have is incredibly sweet and comforting. In the past, far too many men in my past have pushed me prematurely in the direction of marriage. And quite frankly, it was scary. Yes, it is scary when the past two men have proposed and been serious about it before a month had passed in the relationship. And you think I'm kidding? It put me in a place of having to think about if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with them before I had really gotten a chance to get to know them beyond the rose colored gaze and emotions one first feels when they start seeing someone. So with that said, I am extremely grateful that he wants to take things slow. It's actually something I specifically asked for in prayer a few days before we met. He's the first person in years to give me such the luxury. And for this and other things, I have come to cherish his ways with me.

So with these thoughts, know that I am very grateful for the current status of life and those new to it.

~Kyera