Dear Friend
Anger still speaks through judgment
Human I am
Trying to love God and you along with all
Love changes showing a different hue
No longer soon to betroth, but friends
Despite the changes in tides and the months that pass
I try
Apologies for too much freedom with words
In trying to find closure
Closing things too quickly
I've wrestled with the power of a pen
And the passion of a heart
A sword and a salve
But I am human
Human clay we all are
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Goodbye 2007...Hello 2008
I don't like to complain, but I will admit that I'm looking forward to saying goodbye to 2007. This year has had more stress than any other in my entire adult life. Only those closest to me and you my readers have had the slightest clue of all that I have gone through. There have been many sleepless nights. Many nights of tears. Many days of just "getting through."
There have been glimmers and I've fully enjoyed their beauty when they show themselves. I've come to enjoy my job for the light humor I enjoy with my coworkers. I've gotten back in touch with my artistic side which I am incredibly grateful for. I've made some good friends and gotten rid of some not so good ones. I've learned about the heart's capacity for love under extreme circumstances. I've been slowly learning what it means to let go of someone when you still love them, but all circumstances and logic point to "no." I've learned that it's more than okay to take time for myself and pamper myself in ways I didn't in the past (trips to the salon, buying a nice ring, and having "me" dates are a good thing). Taking time for yourself is not being selfish, it's good for you and those you come in contact with! I've enjoyed the freedom of being able to just go at a moment's notice and see loved ones. I've learned and am still learning that I am worth genuine love, not just admiration hidden by lust. I'm learning more and more that only God can fill those aching spaces in me. And even though I've wanted to say that I would forget this year and act as though it never happened, I know that it all somehow fits into His plan of working all things together for my good and the good of others.
As for 2008, I'm super excited about all that it entails. I will be moving to NYC in May. A good friend and I will be rooming together. We've known each other since high school and see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, so it should be a good match. We will be needing a third roommate to keep the cost of living down, so we'll be on the lookout for him/her until then. If you know of anyone who's thinking of moving there that would like two cool and godly women to live with, leave me a comment with contact info. (it won't get published) and I'll get back to you or the person you know.
In the meantime, I will be getting everything squared away with school. No, I'm not done just yet. I made the executive decision of waiting to take my last class during the Spring semester and not in the Winter term. The reason being, I want to take at least a week to be with my Grandma in CT before Spring 2008 starts. And if for some reason she passes away soon (which is very likely) I'll have time to be with my family and grieve without having to worry about school.
In the spring, I plan on taking a Shakespeare class as my last before I graduate. Thanks to a good and very well read friend, my thoughts on Shakespeare have been challenged and I think I'll be better able to enjoy his work now. All throughout high school, his works were stuffed down my throat so much to the point of dreading reading any of his work. Three to four of his major works a year along with sonnets (not to mention works by other authors) was a bit of overkill for me then. Instead of Christianity, I had Shakespeare stuffed down my throat... Don't get me wrong, my school definitely prepared me for college. Getting admitted into an honors college after being out of school for two years based solely on writing skills and then getting into another school that's in the nation's top 20 is proof that my high school definitely prepared me. But IMHO, Shakespeare if it's to be taught in high school should be taught with a mandatory supplement of theater.
But as 2007 winds down, I plan on ending it with a huge bang :) On Sunday, I'm going up to CT to see my Grandma, Grandpa, and the rest of my extended family. It's the first time we've all been together in years, so it should be a lot of fun. My family has a really nice dash of wit slathered throughout it, so I expect my abs to be hurting a bit. I come back very early Thursday morning, go to work, and then drive-up to my best friend's place in PA. We're going to see CIRQUE DU SOLEIL's "Wintuk" in NYC on Friday. Like she'd always wanted to go on an African safari and we went together in Kenya with 5 of the funniest guys you'd ever meet (Lake Nakuru National Park is one of the most awesome places on earth ;) I've always wanted to see Cirque du Soleil live ever since I saw them on HBO when I was eight. And it seems like God's in the business of making my dreams come alive too, so we're going!!!
As for the 31st, I still have no clue what I'm doing for my birthday. I think I might just spend it with a few close friends up in PA (the rest of my family will be up in Maine) and have a relaxed night considering how the Jan 1 & 2 are jam packed with stuff to do. Annual shopping spree on the first and back to NYC on the second. The thought of 27 is still a little strange to wrap my mind around. But I figure, I'm still doing pretty good. Nothing is sagging. No wrinkles in sight. No gray hair to be found. And I still get carded just about every time I go out for a drink. This whole getting older thing isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Genetics and God seem to have blessed me thus far ;)
There have been glimmers and I've fully enjoyed their beauty when they show themselves. I've come to enjoy my job for the light humor I enjoy with my coworkers. I've gotten back in touch with my artistic side which I am incredibly grateful for. I've made some good friends and gotten rid of some not so good ones. I've learned about the heart's capacity for love under extreme circumstances. I've been slowly learning what it means to let go of someone when you still love them, but all circumstances and logic point to "no." I've learned that it's more than okay to take time for myself and pamper myself in ways I didn't in the past (trips to the salon, buying a nice ring, and having "me" dates are a good thing). Taking time for yourself is not being selfish, it's good for you and those you come in contact with! I've enjoyed the freedom of being able to just go at a moment's notice and see loved ones. I've learned and am still learning that I am worth genuine love, not just admiration hidden by lust. I'm learning more and more that only God can fill those aching spaces in me. And even though I've wanted to say that I would forget this year and act as though it never happened, I know that it all somehow fits into His plan of working all things together for my good and the good of others.
As for 2008, I'm super excited about all that it entails. I will be moving to NYC in May. A good friend and I will be rooming together. We've known each other since high school and see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, so it should be a good match. We will be needing a third roommate to keep the cost of living down, so we'll be on the lookout for him/her until then. If you know of anyone who's thinking of moving there that would like two cool and godly women to live with, leave me a comment with contact info. (it won't get published) and I'll get back to you or the person you know.
In the meantime, I will be getting everything squared away with school. No, I'm not done just yet. I made the executive decision of waiting to take my last class during the Spring semester and not in the Winter term. The reason being, I want to take at least a week to be with my Grandma in CT before Spring 2008 starts. And if for some reason she passes away soon (which is very likely) I'll have time to be with my family and grieve without having to worry about school.
In the spring, I plan on taking a Shakespeare class as my last before I graduate. Thanks to a good and very well read friend, my thoughts on Shakespeare have been challenged and I think I'll be better able to enjoy his work now. All throughout high school, his works were stuffed down my throat so much to the point of dreading reading any of his work. Three to four of his major works a year along with sonnets (not to mention works by other authors) was a bit of overkill for me then. Instead of Christianity, I had Shakespeare stuffed down my throat... Don't get me wrong, my school definitely prepared me for college. Getting admitted into an honors college after being out of school for two years based solely on writing skills and then getting into another school that's in the nation's top 20 is proof that my high school definitely prepared me. But IMHO, Shakespeare if it's to be taught in high school should be taught with a mandatory supplement of theater.
But as 2007 winds down, I plan on ending it with a huge bang :) On Sunday, I'm going up to CT to see my Grandma, Grandpa, and the rest of my extended family. It's the first time we've all been together in years, so it should be a lot of fun. My family has a really nice dash of wit slathered throughout it, so I expect my abs to be hurting a bit. I come back very early Thursday morning, go to work, and then drive-up to my best friend's place in PA. We're going to see CIRQUE DU SOLEIL's "Wintuk" in NYC on Friday. Like she'd always wanted to go on an African safari and we went together in Kenya with 5 of the funniest guys you'd ever meet (Lake Nakuru National Park is one of the most awesome places on earth ;) I've always wanted to see Cirque du Soleil live ever since I saw them on HBO when I was eight. And it seems like God's in the business of making my dreams come alive too, so we're going!!!
As for the 31st, I still have no clue what I'm doing for my birthday. I think I might just spend it with a few close friends up in PA (the rest of my family will be up in Maine) and have a relaxed night considering how the Jan 1 & 2 are jam packed with stuff to do. Annual shopping spree on the first and back to NYC on the second. The thought of 27 is still a little strange to wrap my mind around. But I figure, I'm still doing pretty good. Nothing is sagging. No wrinkles in sight. No gray hair to be found. And I still get carded just about every time I go out for a drink. This whole getting older thing isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Genetics and God seem to have blessed me thus far ;)
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Words of Wisdom
One of my closest friends wrote this message last night. It reads:
- It's always hard to lose someone you love. There is no answer or cure for grief. You and your family just have to go through it. Death pretty much sucks. But it helps if you can go through it together with your family. Its good that you will be with them at Christmas and will be able to say goodbye to your Grandma. You may find that she is ready to be with God and not afraid. I've always believed that God gives "dieing grace" to those who are preparing to meet Him. I've seen it a lot. And we who are not dieing cannot understand the peace that someone who is dieing has. I believe that peace comes direct from God to Christians and non Christians; all are His children. That He IS with us right to the very end.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Losing Her...
I don't know how people deal with the loss of loved ones. Never before have I had a close relative die. Things are not getting any better with my Grandma Rose and I just received news that she had been the hospital all last week. To those of you who don't know, she has stage four breast cancer. I somehow need to focus on finals as I still have much to complete by tomorrow. My strength is depleting with the thought of losing her. I need to find strength and stay focused, but I just don't know how to right now... None of me is here right now, my heart, my mind...none of it...
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
My Long, Hot Romance...
Hello beautiful people, it's about time that I write something of substance here. I realize that my writing has been a little heavy lately, but I've been honest so I hope you don't mind my transparency. This is my page after all...so welcome if this is your first time reading. Prop your feet up and enjoy a warm cup of coffee, tea, or cocoa. Don't want to discriminate even though I've had a long and hot romance with coffee and coffee drinks since I was 15. Gotta show some love for those of you who like other things. So do you feel the love?
Well to start, I had a great visit with my long time friend from North Carolina over the weekend. It was definitely a shock at first considering how we hadn't seen each other for 7 years. He was my first boyfriend (of two years) from 10 years ago. And no, there wasn't anything romantic. No rekindling and no sparks. But, it was the first time I'd acted like a complete goof ball in a while. Yeah, it's been a really long time since I've had a 3:00 a.m. pillow fight and wrestling match. Had he not freak'n lifted me over his head, I would have won. I demand a rematch! And chemical warfare is not fair or legal! Check the Geneva Protocol. No gas bombs, please...
On a little more serious note, I recognize that being able to remain friends after being cheated on, breaking-up, and a couple years of not talking is no easy feat. But it was worth it :) People, all people, have great value and are worth being treasured. Yes we make mistakes, we might get hurt, but we are all human just trying to find our way through this thing called life. Mistakes are unavoidable. We will all make them at one time or another. And forgiveness is always a choice worth seizing... Okay, I'll get off my little soap box. You get my drift.
Aside from that, life is great. I'm really enjoying this season of being single. It's given me a lot of time to get recentered without having to pour into someone else. Don't get me wrong I love men and am probably one of the most romantic people you will meet, but I've really needed this time. When I was talking with my friend this past weekend, I realized that things with my ex fiance and the person I dated for a little while after breaking-off my engagement had temporarily soured me in a couple ways. Ways that aren't "me" and have never been. Things that I don't want to bring into another relationship. So I see this time as a great gift to myself and to whomever I will date next in the next season of life. I just want to be as loving, gentile, warm, generous (and all those other warm fuzzy words) as I would want my partner to be. Here's to taking time to take-out the garbage even the little stray pieces. Yay, me!
As far as the book is concerned, that too is going incredibly well. Four main characters are in development and the introduction and most of the first chapter have been written. I've already decided on a title, but recognize that may change by the time I've completed the book.
And by the way, if you're still wondering about my "long, hot romance" and wanting to read some juicy tidbits--I must insert a good chuckle here. I was talking about coffee! God, I love the English language...
Well to start, I had a great visit with my long time friend from North Carolina over the weekend. It was definitely a shock at first considering how we hadn't seen each other for 7 years. He was my first boyfriend (of two years) from 10 years ago. And no, there wasn't anything romantic. No rekindling and no sparks. But, it was the first time I'd acted like a complete goof ball in a while. Yeah, it's been a really long time since I've had a 3:00 a.m. pillow fight and wrestling match. Had he not freak'n lifted me over his head, I would have won. I demand a rematch! And chemical warfare is not fair or legal! Check the Geneva Protocol. No gas bombs, please...
On a little more serious note, I recognize that being able to remain friends after being cheated on, breaking-up, and a couple years of not talking is no easy feat. But it was worth it :) People, all people, have great value and are worth being treasured. Yes we make mistakes, we might get hurt, but we are all human just trying to find our way through this thing called life. Mistakes are unavoidable. We will all make them at one time or another. And forgiveness is always a choice worth seizing... Okay, I'll get off my little soap box. You get my drift.
Aside from that, life is great. I'm really enjoying this season of being single. It's given me a lot of time to get recentered without having to pour into someone else. Don't get me wrong I love men and am probably one of the most romantic people you will meet, but I've really needed this time. When I was talking with my friend this past weekend, I realized that things with my ex fiance and the person I dated for a little while after breaking-off my engagement had temporarily soured me in a couple ways. Ways that aren't "me" and have never been. Things that I don't want to bring into another relationship. So I see this time as a great gift to myself and to whomever I will date next in the next season of life. I just want to be as loving, gentile, warm, generous (and all those other warm fuzzy words) as I would want my partner to be. Here's to taking time to take-out the garbage even the little stray pieces. Yay, me!
As far as the book is concerned, that too is going incredibly well. Four main characters are in development and the introduction and most of the first chapter have been written. I've already decided on a title, but recognize that may change by the time I've completed the book.
And by the way, if you're still wondering about my "long, hot romance" and wanting to read some juicy tidbits--I must insert a good chuckle here. I was talking about coffee! God, I love the English language...
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Poem: Continued Loose Ends
At late night hours you come here
After the sun sets and in the early dawn
Seeking, trying to read between my lines
Text purposefully vague
For privacy and honor
And there, trying to make sense of ambiguity
Wondering what there is
If there is anything
If you would ask
Give up sneaking in deceit
I would tell you our story
Of long nights reaching out into next days
Weeks gone by without a day missed
Days bathed in Shakespeare
The admiration of living, vibrant works of art
Moments lost in long, voiceless gazes
Laughter abounding with quick wit
The laying down of masks
Enjoying the freedom to Be with comfort void of judgment
The mutual honesty and statements of purpose
The hearts of artists know much of loose ends
This artist knows much of respect
Hearts are mutually guarded one to another
Leaving room for loose ends with doors open
As hearts and minds maintain liberty to speak
After the sun sets and in the early dawn
Seeking, trying to read between my lines
Text purposefully vague
For privacy and honor
And there, trying to make sense of ambiguity
Wondering what there is
If there is anything
If you would ask
Give up sneaking in deceit
I would tell you our story
Of long nights reaching out into next days
Weeks gone by without a day missed
Days bathed in Shakespeare
The admiration of living, vibrant works of art
Moments lost in long, voiceless gazes
Laughter abounding with quick wit
The laying down of masks
Enjoying the freedom to Be with comfort void of judgment
The mutual honesty and statements of purpose
The hearts of artists know much of loose ends
This artist knows much of respect
Hearts are mutually guarded one to another
Leaving room for loose ends with doors open
As hearts and minds maintain liberty to speak
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Dear Dr. Carroll...
Dr. Marion Carroll of Xavier University left a comment on my last post that said, "I know this make you feel better but does he understand your turmoil in this relationship as well as we in your blog world do? I recommend giving him an assignment: to review your posts and comment. That to me would be a true apology...and an archive for you and him to review after your 5th, 10th and 20th anniversaries. It would be good to see how far you've come. I wish I could do this for my 30th, 50th and 70th."
To answer your question friend, I don't think he has any way of knowing and I don't know if he really cares to know. Though I would like to think that there was some way of us working things out to see a first, fifth, tenth, and even twentieth anniversary, I don't know how realistic that is. Yes, I am a dreamer and would like to be able to look over every concern that I have. I would like to think that the slate has been wiped clean. In many respects it has, but there is one thing I cannot get over.
Two days ago, I woke up and laid there thinking for about an hour. That seems to be the habit of late, laying in bed getting my thoughts sorted out before getting up and out to face the tasks of the day. And as I laid there, I wondered what would prevent things from starting over romantically between him and I. The question for me was, could I get over my fear of him? There are only two people in my life that I have truly feared and he is one of them. And given all that has happened, I don't know if I could get over my fear of him. For the last year and a half of us being together as an engaged couple, I tried to get over my fear of him. I couldn't shake what I had seen that morning when he snapped in Philadelphia and lashed out at his sister. It was on that day that my intense fear of him was birthed. I've tried to forget that morning. I've tried to push it out of my memory. But it's something I can't shake and the things that happened within the year after my return from Kenya didn't help in coaxing that fear into nonexistence.
Despite how much I may want to say that everything is okay and that he and I could start over and eventually end up where we believed God wanted us... Despite how much I wish I could say that God was giving us a fresh start... I have to be honest with myself (heart and mind), with you, and with God in saying that I would like to have a new start that doesn't include trying to get past something I can't seem to forget. I don't want to have to fear for myself or my kids. Despite how much I try to get over my fear, I do have a very real fear for myself and for any possible kids he and I could have regardless of how much I believe he can be a good man. And I think it might just be best that he has a woman that doesn't have the memories that I contain. I am more than willing to love him as a friend, but I don't believe my heart can ever be free to love him romantically (no matter how much I at times may want to) given the memories that I now have.
His apology was a good way of providing romantic closure for me and for that I'm very grateful. It might quite possibly be the foundation of a healthy friendship, but I don't believe there will be any more than that. Had anger and violence not composed a keystone of fear, my desires for him and to be his wife would still be in tact. But they are not...
To answer your question friend, I don't think he has any way of knowing and I don't know if he really cares to know. Though I would like to think that there was some way of us working things out to see a first, fifth, tenth, and even twentieth anniversary, I don't know how realistic that is. Yes, I am a dreamer and would like to be able to look over every concern that I have. I would like to think that the slate has been wiped clean. In many respects it has, but there is one thing I cannot get over.
Two days ago, I woke up and laid there thinking for about an hour. That seems to be the habit of late, laying in bed getting my thoughts sorted out before getting up and out to face the tasks of the day. And as I laid there, I wondered what would prevent things from starting over romantically between him and I. The question for me was, could I get over my fear of him? There are only two people in my life that I have truly feared and he is one of them. And given all that has happened, I don't know if I could get over my fear of him. For the last year and a half of us being together as an engaged couple, I tried to get over my fear of him. I couldn't shake what I had seen that morning when he snapped in Philadelphia and lashed out at his sister. It was on that day that my intense fear of him was birthed. I've tried to forget that morning. I've tried to push it out of my memory. But it's something I can't shake and the things that happened within the year after my return from Kenya didn't help in coaxing that fear into nonexistence.
Despite how much I may want to say that everything is okay and that he and I could start over and eventually end up where we believed God wanted us... Despite how much I wish I could say that God was giving us a fresh start... I have to be honest with myself (heart and mind), with you, and with God in saying that I would like to have a new start that doesn't include trying to get past something I can't seem to forget. I don't want to have to fear for myself or my kids. Despite how much I try to get over my fear, I do have a very real fear for myself and for any possible kids he and I could have regardless of how much I believe he can be a good man. And I think it might just be best that he has a woman that doesn't have the memories that I contain. I am more than willing to love him as a friend, but I don't believe my heart can ever be free to love him romantically (no matter how much I at times may want to) given the memories that I now have.
His apology was a good way of providing romantic closure for me and for that I'm very grateful. It might quite possibly be the foundation of a healthy friendship, but I don't believe there will be any more than that. Had anger and violence not composed a keystone of fear, my desires for him and to be his wife would still be in tact. But they are not...
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