Coming to the Other Side

Most recently I have had quite a few thoughts, some of which have centered around relationships where others have revolved around geography. Quite simply, I don't think God's done with me in the state of MD. Unfortunately, I think I've had a bit of tunnel vision for a while due to all that has gone in this relatively small state.

Have you ever thought about how you associate places with people and events? Ever gone to a place you hadn't been to in a while and wonder to yourself, "Man, I still don't like this place."? And then you realize, someone caused you a wound there. You might have thought about it at one point and gotten to the point where that memory gets buried in the events of now and you have successfully "forgotten" that person and/or event. But then you stop when there aren't any distractions from the thing you had been running from. You're there at that place where those things happened and you are faced with "it." Your emotions... It's strange how geography can have that effect.

Well for me, this blog is proof of much of what has laid my heart bare in the state I claimed to once loath. A lot has gone on from being engaged; breaking off that engagement; wrestling with a season of depression due to all that happened within that engagement; going through two not so good relationships afterwards; and wrestling with the news of my Grandmother's breast cancer and being so far away from her. Yes, these are a lot of things to go through especially for someone who's used to being the "strong one" for others. It's been very humbling having to step back from much of what I thrive in.

But I see God bringing me to the other side of things. Bringing me more into the woman I was before all of this stuff happened and forward along with all the healed wounds and lessons learned. It's been quite a while since all that I mentioned has had the power of tears. As I've stepped back from relationships and been more selective with those I do let close, God's had ample room to have His way in my heart. I've let Him touch those hurting places and continue to do so when they show up. And geography is only geography after all. "Maryland" never hurt me. People did. Their choices did. It sometimes takes a while for the heart to comprehend what seems simple and logical to the mind.

So with this I look forward to things in MD. Those relationships (friends, youth group girls etc.) have more space in my heart than they did before. I no longer look at them as something that will eventually be left as I did before. You'd be surprised how easy it is to keep yourself from letting people know you and getting to truly know others with that mental excuse. It's especially easy if you've been thrown around the world a few times like I have. It's taken a while for me to look at MD as home and I'm not totally there yet, but I'll get there. There's nothing to run from anymore, no memories, no people. No need to run. Call this realization a small epiphany. With nothing to run from, there's only room for an embrace. Looking to embrace home and understand what that feels like...

~Kyera

Super Bowl Memories...

Okay, so I've never been a huge football fan. Sue me if you choose to, but I've tried to get into the game a few times due to dating die hard football fans. Yeah, I did the whole nice girlfriend thing of watching games and cheering along; but I find the fact that it's one of the only venues where a grown and straight man can slap another man's butt and not be looked at as awkward more entertaining than the actual game. I've litterally studied it, the positions, and the different strategies. I've been told I need to play fantasy football to get into it, but I'm still not so sure about that.

Well, I just recieved an e-mail from an organization I'm a part of stating that we won't be meeting up on Super Bowl Sunday. And then I had this random memory pop back into my mind, something I haven't thought about in years. It was about the only Super Bowl I actually sat and watched in entirety. A woman I know named Sarah was holding a Super Bowl party at her place with her then boyfriend who's now her husband. There were tons of people I didn't know since I was still fairly new to Maryland and it was a little awkward at first. There were two rooms. One room had a huge TV and the next room had a very small TV. For some reason there was a delay between the TV's. The smaller TV in the smaller room was a few seconds ahead of the larger one. I was cramed in the smaller room sitting on the floor. There were a lot of hard core fans there so it got loud. When we figured out that there was a delay, those of us in the smaller room decided to play jokes on those in the other room. We'd cheer for no reason at all or sigh. The people in the other room knew there was a delay too, so they'd hear us and be in great anticipation that something good or bad was going to happen that they too would see in a couple seconds. They started getting ticked off when they figured out we were were only leading them on. It was hillarious! I also remember someone next to me continually making jokes about the comercials and the game. Since I highly enjoy good sarchasim, we pretty much joked about the whole thing for the whole time together. It was great :)

So you've probably come to this post wondering how the game went and if I have any lasting memories of it. And quite frankly I remember almost nothing about the actual game. In fact, I don't even remember who was playing. I remeber laughing the whole time and really enjoying the company of new people. And if that's all I take from any attempt to like a sport that I could really care less about e.g. football, it's well worth it. So maybe I'll make it to a Super Bowl party, maybe I won't. But I'm glad that I'm contiually kept in the company of people that love life and love to laugh.

And on one last and very brief note, this is my 200th post! Hope you've enjoyed the second hundred as much as the first :)

~Kyera

Patience, the Lens of Others, and Opportunity...

Yesterday, I had posted an IM conversation I had with a good friend in TX. But after getting an e-mail from my very loving best friend, I realized how the conversation could be construed as making light of things serious. She totally misread the conversation - which is an honest mistake - thinking I was making light of serious matters. And it was by no means an attempt to make light of anything. There are a few things that were discussed. Topics like purity, relationships, and patience were laid bare from one friend to another.

Last week in many respects, was a crash course in patience. If I were to grade myself on that, I'd say I earned a "D." I faced me in many ways I hadn't known where there before. I wrestled with feelings of rejection. Triggers from a relationship in the past. I fasted and prayed for hours on end repenting for things I'd done, people I care about, and what ever else God laid on my heart. In short, it was a crash course in getting right with God and learning to better respect boundaries.

I also realized again that we look at people through the lens of our experiences with others. When people fill roles (parent, boyfriend, girlfriend, friend etc.) that were once filled by someone else or if they resemble someone from one of those roles, we bring the those primary emotions into those secondary relationships. Everyone does this, but few are aware that they do. We have a hard time looking at people with new eyes and trusting that they are not going to say or act like those people that caused us pain. I saw this first hand in myself last week and in someone close to my heart. Trust takes effort and a lot of time and patience.

As far as my move to NYC is concerned, there are a lot of things that have lead me to seriously reconsider moving. I don't think God is done with me in MD. Maybe later I'll disclose my reasoning here, publicly, but as for now everything is still in prayer and between those I keep in confidence with. Unless God makes it blazingly clear that I'm supposed to move to NYC, NYC will be seen as a good opportunity, but not much more.

There will always be many opportunities, but not all of them are what's best and intended for us to seize.

~Kyera

P.S. And if you care to know, there are two songs of late that I find worth noting. They are both very different, but both resonate with me. They are "Big Enough" by Ayiesha Woods and "Make this Go on Forever" by Snow Patrol. They were my backdrop to writing this post.

Poem: Battle Prayers

And I woke up in a chill
The night before now
Tossing and turning
Finding no comfort
Wondering for loss of sleep
Curled-up, flat-out
On my back and to my stomach
No relief...
And asked, why?
His only word was pray
There was a war going on for you
For your heart and mind
Battling against lies
Condemnation, identity, relationships
All lies
Before I laid to sleep
“The enemy shall not outwit him, Nor the son of wickedness afflict him”
I laid in rest
And awoke to the chill of night
Called to pray
Standing apart but beside you
Praying in battle until those retreated
My head and body could rest
In the morn hours later
I prayed again
Allowed to see your heart
“I have great sorrow and continual grief in my heart”
Pushing the world away
Fear of failure
Not enough
If only...comparisons unending...
But until the battle is over
And as His Spirit gives me strength
I'll wield the sword in full armor
Knowing you are His child
Sending up battle prayers
Like He did in days of old
'Til you are full ware
Of the power bestowed unto you

Poem: Dream and Let Be

As I look back and look on
Reflections of you, years unveiled
I see you
Wanting to go forth
Wanting to walk away
Unsettled with paths undone
Afraid of what could be
Or would could possibly be not
Walk with me
Let me calm your heart on the way
Let me guard your heart with my soul
I'll not walk away
Be as He created you
As I walk as He created
Watch Him write a beautiful story
With our lives
Dream and be with me
Walk in faith and stay with me...

Poem: Wrestle

You have seen me writhe in this skin
Fight against you, speak for you
Holy and wild
Beat against the nature within
Wrestle to win as well as lose
Prepare the way and make the path straight
Conforming the crooked
And then his beauty comes
Knocking the wind out of me
Masquerading to fulfill
Knowing the rules of this game
I wrestle against the world
Wanting to know a deeper, more pure love
Searching beneath you
And looking behind as well as in front of mine own