And they knew before the apple
What it meant of no division
No fear of nakedness
Warmed by the near sound of your voice
Surrounded by beauty and paradise
Always choosing life through avenues of love
Never knowing hate, sadness...
Contrasted with modern layers
Walls impenetrable
Weighing us down in judgment
Thinking we were liberated
Through the knowledge of good and evil
When pure freedom
Could only be fathomed under life
Its fruit a diet we neglected
Preferring the fruit of bondage
Exile
Oh, if it can be done
Bring us back while moving forward
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Moving From the Ashes of Divorce
I remember the day when I had a conversation with a friend last summer, Rick the youth pastor I used to work under, sobbing over everything that happened with my ex-fiance, Antoine. I told him that I would never love again. That I didn't want to ever go through such pain again. He looked at me and said that I would and I looked him straight in the eye and denied it and continued to sob. That was the day I wore a nice black linen summer dress to church, the same day that I call sack cloth and ashes. The same day where I talked with Antoine and our conversation only increased my grieving.
And though I am a cheerleader for love often, it is still something that scares me. It is still something I'm not quick too grasp and will initially fight. But I've been coming to understand that there is never really an ideal time for love. Yes, I've taken a long time to heal from all that happened from that relationship, but I don't know if the heart ever totally forgets those moments that wounded. I do, however, believe the heart can leave those things in the past and for them to not have the sting they had then in the present. But it all takes time.
Currently, someone close to my heart is going through much of I went through, but their situation seems to be much worse though I think the emotional outfall is much similar. Had Antoine and I gotten married, I literally don't know if I'd be living right now. And I'd be lying if I said there were many days where I wished that I hadn't lived. Yeah, that prayer of, "God, can you please just come and take me home." was said A LOT. And I'm lucky I didn't possess a gun, not that I think I would have had the "balls" to do it, but it would have been one step closer. If these thoughts scare you, I'm sorry for being so honest here. On the days when I had no hope, it was the thought of what would happen to my Mom and how it would break her heart (I'm her only child) and to my finicky cat who's 15 and probably would give anyone else hell if they tried to take care of him long term. If there was a definition for "momma's boy," I'm sure my cat's picture would be there. You think it's silly, but it's these two things that mattered to me when nothing else did. I went for days with next to no sleep or food, and months many months of sobbing every single day. And if I didn't have the outlet of writing, I don't know what I would have done. I would spend hours upon hours writing poetry, blog entries, journal entries, and letters that never got sent. It was my equivalent of burying myself in work. Had I gotten paid for all the hours spent on that, I'd be a rich woman. It provided a great means of therapy for me too.
And with a lot of time and patience with myself and my situation, I started to heal. This blog records a lot of the emotions I felt when I was going through my own "divorce." I went through all of the emotional stages of it without the actual marital contract. Thanks be to God for helping me to wait and get through all of that. I'm grateful that there weren't any children involved. And I'm grateful that God has helped me and continues to help me wait for the man I will someday marry--whoever/wherever he is. I wrestle with patience sometimes more than others, but He continues to help me with that too as I let Him teach me.
So it is with these and other thoughts in mind that I try my best to be there for this special someone. Being on the other side of heartache, it does present a challenge of trying to know what is too much and what is too little by means of attention since everyone is different. I know I needed a lot of space and there weren't really any new people I let into my personal life. I was alone a lot. But again each person is different and I'm trying my best, though not perfectly, to be sensitive to this person's needs. I'm glad there's a lot of material online about the topic and a lot of wisdom. In the midst of writing this post, I have been reading articles and watching video's on the topic of divorce.
If you or someone you love is going through a divorce, please check out this site with video clips and transcripts from Dr. Stan Katz
And though I am a cheerleader for love often, it is still something that scares me. It is still something I'm not quick too grasp and will initially fight. But I've been coming to understand that there is never really an ideal time for love. Yes, I've taken a long time to heal from all that happened from that relationship, but I don't know if the heart ever totally forgets those moments that wounded. I do, however, believe the heart can leave those things in the past and for them to not have the sting they had then in the present. But it all takes time.
Currently, someone close to my heart is going through much of I went through, but their situation seems to be much worse though I think the emotional outfall is much similar. Had Antoine and I gotten married, I literally don't know if I'd be living right now. And I'd be lying if I said there were many days where I wished that I hadn't lived. Yeah, that prayer of, "God, can you please just come and take me home." was said A LOT. And I'm lucky I didn't possess a gun, not that I think I would have had the "balls" to do it, but it would have been one step closer. If these thoughts scare you, I'm sorry for being so honest here. On the days when I had no hope, it was the thought of what would happen to my Mom and how it would break her heart (I'm her only child) and to my finicky cat who's 15 and probably would give anyone else hell if they tried to take care of him long term. If there was a definition for "momma's boy," I'm sure my cat's picture would be there. You think it's silly, but it's these two things that mattered to me when nothing else did. I went for days with next to no sleep or food, and months many months of sobbing every single day. And if I didn't have the outlet of writing, I don't know what I would have done. I would spend hours upon hours writing poetry, blog entries, journal entries, and letters that never got sent. It was my equivalent of burying myself in work. Had I gotten paid for all the hours spent on that, I'd be a rich woman. It provided a great means of therapy for me too.
And with a lot of time and patience with myself and my situation, I started to heal. This blog records a lot of the emotions I felt when I was going through my own "divorce." I went through all of the emotional stages of it without the actual marital contract. Thanks be to God for helping me to wait and get through all of that. I'm grateful that there weren't any children involved. And I'm grateful that God has helped me and continues to help me wait for the man I will someday marry--whoever/wherever he is. I wrestle with patience sometimes more than others, but He continues to help me with that too as I let Him teach me.
So it is with these and other thoughts in mind that I try my best to be there for this special someone. Being on the other side of heartache, it does present a challenge of trying to know what is too much and what is too little by means of attention since everyone is different. I know I needed a lot of space and there weren't really any new people I let into my personal life. I was alone a lot. But again each person is different and I'm trying my best, though not perfectly, to be sensitive to this person's needs. I'm glad there's a lot of material online about the topic and a lot of wisdom. In the midst of writing this post, I have been reading articles and watching video's on the topic of divorce.
If you or someone you love is going through a divorce, please check out this site with video clips and transcripts from Dr. Stan Katz
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