Poem: Because I Have To

And I will say this because I have to
Never, no never before
Was I ever there before
No place no comfort no understanding
No love
Such as then was ever before
Too afraid too bruised too battered
In emotion to entirely trust and not be afraid
I fought myself to keep a promise
"Promise me you won't make me pay for what happened to you before."
I tried, I fought myself
But I kept you at a distance
Whether it was reaction to intense circumstances
Or your temporary aloofness
Or just fears that rose up
I/We pushed and pulled each other close and away
Not for game not for play
Was it that I said I loved you too that day
And even now I am too afraid too bruised and too battered
To want to push against the tide for you to see
And to let you into a heart that has been closely gaurded for you
I say all of this not because I want to
But because I have to
For its just an alley way in for you to see
All that has been at work within me
The push and pull on my heart and my mind
And the love I've tried to escape and to deny
Because it appears to be easier...