Why I Had to Go...

The following is actually something I wrote in my journal. Normally, I don't post things written from my journal as a means maintaining privacy; but in this case I think it is appropriate. Read on...

So on Sunday, last Sunday, I left the community in Hillsboro, VA. I left with $8.00 to my name and a quarter tank of gas in my car. Leaving was a leap of faith as it took just as much faith to leave there as it did in going there. Luckily someone had mysteriously left $50 in my travel toothbrush container on the day of my best friend's wedding. There had been tons of people around the house after the wedding, so there's really no way me knowing who left it there. But I'm extremely grateful that God had tapped someone on the shoulder to leave it there.

Well, after having two conversations with women who'd been involved there for a number of years; they told me that Jesus was not God. I even talked briefly with a couple about it and one of them said flat out that Jesus wasn't God and used the whole God cannot be tempted scripture along with the temptation of Christ as proof that Jesus wasn't God because He'd been tempted.

It all just didn't sit well with me. And the "revelation" I was waiting for wasn't coming. I was getting worse and worse. I was miserable and the thought of suicide crossed my mind briefly, but it crossed my mind nonetheless. And it's not anything specifically that people said - other than their perspective of me not being saved and the feeling of being an outsider that nagged at me - that made me feel like I was being torn down. I realized that their was a difference between conviction and condemnation. What resided over me was not of God. I couldn't hear God like I used to and He felt so distant. And the people (not all of them but the majority) didn't seem to have the true fruits of the Holy Spirit. They didn't seem to be truly happy and full of genuine joy.

What I did see was an act to appear to be joyful, but beneath the surface all I continually saw was sadness and people with broken spirits and burnt out energy. It was all sad and depressing to see. And I couldn't stand to think that's how my life would be. And I couldn't come to the conclusion that that's how God wanted my life to be either.

And on top of all that, I felt like everything I wanted was there too. Pure and upright men, beautiful children, healthy living, and close friendships. At the end it felt like I was being tempted like Jesus was in the wilderness as recorded in Matthew 4:1-11. For more than anything in my life, I've wanted a family and a loving, God filled environment to live in. I've denied much and resisted much to wait for my husband and my children; refusing to marry the wrong men at the wrong time. It was like the enemy was saying, "I'll give you all of this if you'll just deny that Jesus was God in the flesh." I couldn't do it nor will I even if it means turning down what appears to be the fulfillment of my deepest heart's desire other than seeing God's kingdom be built and for Him to return for His bride.

But then again, I had a conversation with a good friend last night who had a conversation with a man who is a huge proponent of carrying their vision. Apparently, he said that Jesus was God and everything seemed to make sense and not deny that He Jesus was God in the flesh. But I feel like further investigation is needed and like I need to talk to that man.

I'm still trying to figure all this out, but as of now I have peace about where I am. Here in Pennsylvania, I'm with people who know, understand, and love me. The love is not obligatory, but comes naturally and from the heart. And the time I spend alone with God is sweet and healing to my heart. I have no idea where I'll end up in the long run. And I've never been able to see the entire span of my life and say, "Yes, this is what I want to do with the rest of my life!" But I do know that I love God; I want to see His kingdom come; and that I need inner healing that cannot be provided by the shallowness of the things of this world.

Poem: Because I Have To

And I will say this because I have to
Never, no never before
Was I ever there before
No place no comfort no understanding
No love
Such as then was ever before
Too afraid too bruised too battered
In emotion to entirely trust and not be afraid
I fought myself to keep a promise
"Promise me you won't make me pay for what happened to you before."
I tried, I fought myself
But I kept you at a distance
Whether it was reaction to intense circumstances
Or your temporary aloofness
Or just fears that rose up
I/We pushed and pulled each other close and away
Not for game not for play
Was it that I said I loved you too that day
And even now I am too afraid too bruised and too battered
To want to push against the tide for you to see
And to let you into a heart that has been closely gaurded for you
I say all of this not because I want to
But because I have to
For its just an alley way in for you to see
All that has been at work within me
The push and pull on my heart and my mind
And the love I've tried to escape and to deny
Because it appears to be easier...