Thoughts, Just Random Thoughts

Poem: Honesty Collided with Hope

2012-01-15T21:31:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it is easier to undo things
Whereas others it seems forever
I think back and I regret leaving
Politely refusing an embrace before departing north
Wondering if we could have avoided
The difficulty of a separate state
I think of the times you gently tried to speak up
When I doubted relations aside from you
Trying to shed light on your truth
But I was too stubborn and independent
Believing things simply untrue of you and I
While now you're miles away
And I struggle to tell you things
Buried far deep and beautiful
Things that run parallel with things I believe
Yet have never fully experienced
How well I hide my heart when I shouldn't
How shy I've always really been
Because you never were just anyone else
And now I just pray that it's not too late...

Poem: Illuminated Understanding

2012-01-07T23:42:00.002-05:00

Crimson hues cast

Messages etched unto shore

How prints can sink one after the next

Lost in sea misted air

Along side another

Knowing glances exchanged

How You never let go

Despite what I didn't understand...

Poem: Exhale

2011-12-29T01:44:00.000-05:00

Time slipped so easily between
How in need of undressing from certain past
To take weight off of each one's shoulder
With loose fetter to turn from waywardness
At last, sight and sensation restored
Lulled eyes eased for freedom
To step progressively for one direction
How this breast would beat against one chest...

Christmas and "Polaroids"

2011-12-25T23:14:00.000-05:00

Christmasis my favorite holiday. And though I like giving and receivinggifts, it's not about that for me. This year I asked fornothing other than a day with some people that I love and respect. Like many, my family is spread all over the place and the family that's close didn't want to celebrate the holiday. So I spent the day with the McCabes. Donna's been like a loving and gracious sisterthat can give me a firm kick in the butt when I need it. Herhusband, Jim, is the quiet and strong type that is easy to talk to. And their two boys are just boys, rambunctious and fun. They're constantly pranking each other and cracking jokes; yetperfect gentlemen when they need to be. The kind of kids thatare a whole lot of fun and really down to earth. The kind ofkids I hope to have some day. It's this kind of family thatyou're grateful to be around when your family is spread all over themap and/or you have relatives that hate this season.

Icould tell you of all the other details of my time with them, but youmay not be so interested in hearing our embarrassingstories of childhood graffiti, accidental floodings, andbubble wrap escapades. I do, however, want to let you know ananswer to a question I was asked. It was more like I waspraying as we were watching a movie. "What more thananything do you want to learn?" I thought for a long whileas I was tuned into "The Ultimate Gift" and all I couldthink to answer was that I want to learn how to love better. Unfortunately, we don't come with instructionmanuals. And sometimes we're amazing at loving others, whereasother times we suck at it...

Thefollowing is an excerpt from Donald Miller's Polaroids. Though it's actually about a husband and wife that are on theverge of divorce; I think there's a lot to learn about love from thisacross the board. It touches on a lot and be warned that yes itis an intense passage...

Whatgreat gravity is this that drew my soul toward yours? What greatforce, that though I went falsely, went kicking, went disguisingmyself to earn your love, also disguised, to earn your keeping, yourresting, your staying, your will fleshed into mine, rasped by aslowly revealed truth, the barter of my soul, the soul that I fear,the soul that I loathe, the soul that: if you will love, I will love.I will redeem you, if you will redeem me? Is this our purpose, youand I together to pacify each other, to lead each other toward thelie that we are good, that we are noble, that we need not redemption,save the one that you and I invented of our own clay?

I am notscared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I went looking, Iwrote out a list, I drew and image, I bled a poem of you. You werepretty, and my friends believed I was worthy of you. You were clever,but I was smarter, perhaps the only one smarter, the only one able tolead you. You see, love, I did not love you, I loved me. And you wereonly a tool that I used to fix myself, to fool myself, to redeemmyself. And though I have taught you to lay your lily hand in mine, Iwalk alone, for I cannot talk to you , lest you talk it back to me,lest I believe that I am not worthy, not deserving, not redeemed.

Iwant desperately for you to be my friend. But you are not my friend;you have slid up warmly to the man I wanted to be, the man Ipretended to be, and I was your Jesus and, you were mine. Should Ishow you who I am, we may crumble. I am not scared of you, my love, Iam scared of me.

I want to be known and loved anyway. Can youdo this? I trust by your easy breathing that you are human, like me.My love, do I know you? What is this great gravity that pulls us sopainfully toward each other? Why do we not connect? Will we beforever in fleshing this out? And how will we with words, narrowwords, come into the knowing of each other? Is this God's way ofmeriting grace, of teaching us the labyrinth of His love for us,teaching us, in degrees, that which He is sacrificing to joinourselves to Him? Or better yet, has he formed our being fractionalso that we might conclude one great hope, plodding and sighing andbreathing into one another in such a great push that we might breakthrough into the known and being loved, only to cave into a greaterperdition and fall down at His throne still begging for ouracceptance? Begging for our completion?

We were fools tobelieve that we would redeem each other.

Were I some sleepingAdam, to wake and find you resting at my rib, to share these thingsthat God has done, to walk you through the garden, to counsel yourtimid steps, your bewildered eye, your heart so slow to love, socareful to love, so sheepish that I stepped up my aim and became aman. Is this what God intended? That though He made you from my rib,it is you who is making me, humbling me, destroying me, and in sodoing revealing Him.

Will we be in ashes before we areone?

What great gravity is this that drew my heart towardsyours? What great force collapsed in my orbit, my lonesome state?What is this that wants in me the want in you? Don't we go at eachother with yielded eyes, with cumbered hands and feet, with clunkytongues? This deed is unattainable! We cannot know each other!

Iam quiting this thing, but not what you think. I am not goingaway.

I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain orbarter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He loved me. I willdiscover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery in thewarmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowedHimself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it maybring me.

I will love you like God, because of God, mighted bythe power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding yourlove, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simplylove. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. Isuppose the clock itself will wear thin it is time before I am endedat this altar of dying and dying again.

God risked Himself onme. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love,and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drewHim, unto us.

Poem: An Honest Past

2011-12-18T23:44:00.001-05:00

When the surface shakes
How everything can rise to the surface
The beautiful along with the painful
How quickly she turned
Without reason, pack your things you're going
Seven hours away to your alcoholic father
How she called me a whore among other names
Before I had ever even kissed a boy
Cold water on my head while sleeping
Get the HELL out of bed and do the dishes!
Left and lost on the side of the street in a new area
Abandoned for a reason I didn't know why
How a cross was torn from my neck
A year into faith and told how I wasn't worthy of wearing such a sign
How her suicide was threatened
When help with student loans for college was asked
How a dog was more important
Than being able to see my own family in a northern state
How recently Thanksgiving was relinquished
For being too busy and forgetting to send a sympathy card
Many holidays abandoned to make the best with friends or extended family
How I was disowned
For things small and big, many lacking any logical sense
By a woman I know as my mother
There are things one wishes they could hide
As I've tried only to say positive things about a woman I do love
So others won't judge or hold the things I cannot change against
But yet, these things and many others from the same source have affected me
Many instances I've moved on from while others still hurt
A residue from these things still rests in me that I didn't see before
Break the cycle I do currently seek
So these things no longer hurt
How I hate that I can't come to you or anyone
Perfectly polished and flawless
How hard I've tried to love perfectly
Yet how short I fall
But I will strive for a positive future
While seeking to further mend the darkness of my past
Grace, gentleness, and patience will I be grateful for
In this healing season...

Poem: Modern Impression Part II

2011-12-16T23:19:00.000-05:00

How I wish words could flow so easily
Though I am a woman, I am shy
Though I am outspoken, I lose my words
Redemption may rise to the occasion of what I don't know
Though time may pass an impression is not forgotten
Though pain has trespassed life is proven strong
How I wish words could flow so easily

Poem: Modern Impression Part I

2011-12-05T23:59:00.001-05:00

If Atlantic blue can reach the edge of the earth
Honesty can lap upon shores
How profoundly beautiful and mysterious unto confusion is this
How earth shatteringly painful if not handled carefully
How hearts and lives hang in this air
How terrible the things that have crossed us
How forgiveness and grace unwaveringly protect
Honesty can lap upon shores
If Atlantic blue can reach the edge of the earth

2011-11-16T23:01:00.002-05:00

You can fight the fire that's in your head
Lay it down, the hour has come to end
Walk around without her just for a bit
Looking back upon the way things had been

Man, I've been wasting so much time
Walking the same street every night
Don't you think maybe it's about time?

You can light the fire that's in your head
Put it off, tomorrow will come instead
We don't watch the tower that tells us when
Pull the wicked flower out from its bed

Man's been wasting so much time
Sending the children out to fight
Don't you think maybe it's about time?

- "Walking" by The Dodos

Poem: Blind

2011-11-01T00:11:00.006-04:00

Waking rage
Scathing mental letters
Knowing all wrong
Rising before the sun
Running, clearing my mind
Angry remaining faultless
Honesty breaking bare before God
Exposing what I thought to shelter
To only find I am really all the blame
A year of not listening
Not understanding the pull
The nagging tug of strings
How I asked what you wanted me to
How I prayed asking forbidden questions
To questions I had already received answers
Kisses opened locked doors
While sweet words created haze of clear
How could it have not been God
Wanting for years?
Years of telling Him in secret
What we both later outwardly desired
Forgetting how you wouldn't see or understand depths
The most beautiful disguised and hidden
Because you walk with your back half turned
Regretfully I compromised walking another way
Never knowing love
For our hearts belong to others
And not in the hands of each other
How foreign and painful
How blind...

Poem: Find You

2011-10-29T15:20:00.005-04:00

Drifting through the sky
White and clean covering the earth
I thought of how you may be
That embers are starting to build again
What was almost snuffed out may be rekindled
That your son may find a smile
Before he rests his head to sleep at night
That maybe soon sleighs and skates
Will bring winter family fun
While music fills my space
A song I wish to pass along
That love would find you again
And happiness would fill your heart

Poem: Real?

2011-09-08T18:03:00.004-04:00

The rain's been pouring
For some days still yet
And time is a kind factor
Long lost love has been buried
And memories no longer sting
The things I couldn't really face
Have slowly surfaced
Washing away and into the earth

But if there be a ray in these passing days
It would be you
Standing strong and unmoving
In the corner of my heart
Shining bright with possibilities and hope
In a world that only seems to believe in gray
Where love gradually fades
Becoming this thing to be endured
Though all good things do take work
I wonder if a lesser brand has been sold

It's only once in a while
An old couple passes you by
Entirely smitten as if it were the day they'd met
Their hair silvered and skin worn by time
And though they'd been betrothed since long ago
You just know...
Their love grew more and more from the day they met
Despite trials and tribulations
You just know...
It never plateaued and faded to plain amiability
Possibly even despise

I would have never questioned these depths
Had I never known your auburn hair and blue eyes
I would have gone on believing in "gray"
Had we not created space and time away to explore
I would have never asked what could actually be real
For more than before, I'm inclined to believe
That the things we hold deepest in our hearts

Poem: Helpless War

2011-08-14T01:05:00.001-04:00

Though my fortitude may rise
Far above and beyond
What the duties of common loyalties
Camaraderie and lovers paths
May call for valiance and duty
I have warred for you
In ways I refused to for others
I believed in you
I ways I couldn't another
But I can't prove to you
That you deserve to be loved
I can't tell you
That you are good
When all you see is evil
I can't give you my eyes to see
What I and others can see
I can't prove to you that dreams
Are things meant for you to grasp
When all you feel fit for is solitary confinement
I can't do these things
When the war you fight
Is interior and emotionally self destructing

Poem: Not Yet Titled

2011-08-03T23:29:00.006-04:00

Ambivalence hangs in the air
Like a numbness
With my heart standing back
Not because it wants to
If only Love could motivate and illuminate this
Because there surely must be better
Than this nagging ache in this space
But fear or whatever it is
Has pushed me far and away again
You'd wished we'd found one another six years ago
And the next morning you feared being worthy of marriage
While I never brought up such things
Only ever wanted to take things slowly step after step
Later, somehow, “turn and run”
What you wanted to convince me of, why?
As if I were making some mistake on you
As if someone genuinely caring were an error...

From Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest"

2011-08-03T12:04:00.006-04:00

"Behold, we go up to Jerusalem." Luke 18:31

Jerusalem stands in the life of Our Lord as the place where He reached the climax of His Father's will. "I seek not Mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent Me." That was the one dominating interest all through our Lord's life, and the things He met with on the way, joy or sorrow, success or failure, never deterred Him from His purpose. "He steadfastly set His face to go to Jerusalem."

The great thing to remember is that we go up to Jerusalem to fulfil God's purpose, not our own. Naturally, our ambitions are our own; in the Christian life we have no aim of our own. There is so much said today about our decisions for Christ, our determination to be Christians, our decisions for this and that, but in the New Testament it is the aspect of God's compelling that is brought out. "Ye have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you." We are not taken up into conscious agreement with God's purpose, we are taken up into God's purpose without any consciousness at all. We have no conception of what God is aiming at, and as we go on it gets more and more vague. God's aim looks like missing the mark because we are too short sighted to see what He is aiming at. At the beginning of the Christian life we have our own ideas as to what God's purpose is - 'I am meant to go here or there,' 'God has called me to do this special work'; and we go and do the thing, and still the big compelling of God remains. The work we do is of no account, it is so much scaffolding compared with the big compelling of God. "He took unto Him the twelve," He takes us all the time. There is more than we have got at as yet.

Poem: Unshakeable Place

2011-07-14T22:31:00.002-04:00

I want to create an unshakeable place
One where laughter can echo
And silence can have its own room
One were truth can live
Without fear of judgment
Where repeated tapes of wronged past
Can safely be exposed and disposed of
One where strength is shared
And not one carries a heavier load than the other
Where rest of one's head and within one's own skin
Can be a continual state of being
Where walls can be taken down
To expose new and old beautiful rooms
Where passion can be explored throughout
And not mistaken for misplaced lust
Where love is active rather than just a word in passing
Where worry is uncovered and shows its futility
One where life's waves cannot change the beating of hearts
Where one doesn't question the core of who they really are
But the depths of what is already best continuously evolve
I want to create an unshakeable place

Rise Up!

2011-07-01T22:03:00.001-04:00

I love my country. I really would die for my country. But what has been happening saddens me more than I'd like to discuss... I don't care if a politician gets caught sending a naughty texts. I don't even care as much if another politician gets accused of inappropriate actions with a hotel maid. These stories, though minutely important, are only distractions. Media will downplay what’s really happening and conspiracy theorists will also greatly miss the mark. Truth is only for those who look and care to see. That's why I read our Constitution, Declaration of Independence, and other foundational documents late into the night because they bring clarity. It feels like we're loosing ground more ground that could possibly be recovered. Military cut backs, space program cut backs…Things that set this place apart scientifically and intellectually. Parties can't agree on budgets and the gap between rich and poor only widens. State governments shut down. The state that I live has a capital that's on the verge of bankruptcy and no one seems to really know or read the news or listen to NPR. They seem shocked when you tell them what you've been reading and listening. There are debates about natural resources (marcellus shale) that can pull this area out of a serious deficit, but no one wants to drill in their back yard. I wonder if I care too much and if anyone else here really cares; so I'm quiet... I'm tired of not wanting to rock the boat, but I'm forgetting how to stay silent...

No, I’m not blind. And no, I’m certainly not some overly liberal artist concerned with the legalization of marijuana. I’m not one of the “space cadets” that gets lost in self serving spirituality though I do indeed believe in God. I am a patriot at heart and art has only ever been a hobby. If anything, I know we as a great nation will die if we don’t stand up for what we believe. Democracy is worth fighting for, but we’re too financially bound to countries that could care less for the thread that binds us all together as a democratic people…

And though poetry has been an indirect voice, I speak in indirect ways too often. I’ve grown weary of not wanting to rock boats. And sugar coated poetry in this instance will not speak to you. Need I be blatant? WAKE THE FUCK UP!

Single Lessons

2011-06-29T11:04:00.003-04:00

It's funny that I had to wait to turn 30 to understand and be ready for the things I thought I used to "know." It's the first time I've ever lived entirely alone.

So I guess I can say I've tasted “independence” to the fullest as an adult even though I haven't lived at home or financially relied on my parents since I was 19. I pay all of my own bills and there's no sharing in any kind of responsibilities, no roommates and no boyfriends. Almost all of the meals I cook are eaten alone. Friends are always welcomed guests, but only if we can figure out a way to coordinate both of our busy schedules. But there's no one that's always just “there” for optional company. I can't randomly make a meal and say, “Hey there's plenty. If you'd like feel free to join me.” Or do other nice roommate things like have a fresh pot of coffee or cup of tea ready for when they wake up.

There's more time to think than I've had in a long time. I've intentionally slowed down my personal life to focus on my studies, work, and getting my life ready for Canada. But in the time aside from studies and work, I think I've come to a positive conclusion. I'm coming to this conclusion as I face myself daily and this new season of being alone. I'm entirely aware of my imperfections but aim to be the best woman I can be. And rather than just wanting someone to share my life with, I think I'm actually getting to the point where I'm ready for it.

Over time I've been coming to the point where it's okay to trust again in the closest matters of the heart. And I'm ready to actually share my heart with someone rather than to hide it out of fear. I've been coming to the point where it's okay to want to spoil someone I care about again – not wait on them hand and foot, but to have them totally affirmed. It's funny how earlier today a man I know said that he and his wife were done having kids. He said how he hated changing diapers and things of a messy child nature. And all I could think was that I would take it all—the good with the bad.

And things can get “messy” in relationships. Before now, I went through a long season where I wasn't wanting or willing to deal with any sort of relational mess. Unfortunately fear got mixed in with independence and created a pretty bad combination. I think this is the case for a lot of women. They get hurt pretty badly and they say no to anything down the road that looks like it may be painful. They're independent and say, “Heck no I don't have to put up with that!” when someone they care about really just needs a little “tlc” and patience. There's a higher road that needs to be taken. Part of it involves letting go of the “stuff” in us that pushes people away and creates walls. The other part of it is consistently and continually letting actions come from genuine grace, patience, and kindness towards another person.

I've been coming to find out more that life isn't always about being on the mountain top. And who doesn't love a mountain top? But life doesn't always have to be on cloud nine for it to be very fulfilling and happy. And more often than not, we find out what we're really made of when we're going through “stuff”. We find out if our hearts are strong enough and willing enough to forgive when logic says it's not necessary. We discover who's really willing to “agapeo” (to love unconditionally regardless of relational context) and who's not.

So though this time has been lonely at times, I think I've become much more settled in who I am and who I want to continually grow into. Patient, strong, and able to agapeo...

Poem: A Glimpse of Family

2011-06-18T23:46:00.006-04:00

Words will often scatter
With loosely fit bloodlines
People vie for center stage
Intercepting lines
While lacing in laughter and wild memories
With course upon course of home-style foods
Grandma thinks everyone's an alcoholic
Uncle still chases women that are far too young
And 50 is still not too old to skinny dip with your husband
With curler and cigarette 60's doughnut deliveries
While everyone's favorite died
Great grandpa was a renaissance man
Played the viola under Arthur Fiedler
For the Boston Pops
Put together a museum in the White Mountains
No one could say enough about my only hero
Who always had a kind smile and a great story
And how I missed him just two days ago...

Poem: So Someday It Will Be...

2011-05-24T22:28:00.004-04:00

Child murals will hand paint their way onto dream-scaped walls
And soft piano notes will float through the air
As my children drift off into perfect rest
After my son's freckled cheek is kissed good night
And my daughter has been embraced with braided hair
Unto each, “I love you.”
Tucked and wrapped in peace
Closing their eyes they will dream
So someday it will be...

Poem: Simple Night

2011-05-11T21:37:00.000-04:00

Wants and desires
Do not always coincide or agree
With moving clock hands
Though needs always go met
Despite what time momentarily will
Or will not permit
Some moments to lose in laughter
Mixed with honest words
And a sincere embraces
Despite less than ideal circumstances
My heart needed that simple night...

Poem: A Pause for No Words

2011-04-22T13:26:00.006-04:00

Poetry will run its course
Through the paths of my mind
Much like the beautiful
Yet unfinished thoughts
Our minds lack to comprehend
Sometimes, just as last night
I paused
Staring at three flights
Under a diamond painted sky
Thinking...
How nice it would be
To arrive and not need words for a night
But to just show you what
Words are at times feeble to explain
Just so you could truly know
Without fear or mental resignation
What I fight to hide and to show
But instead I found the end of another long day
Climbed the steps to my empty space
Alone and all my own

(At the moment, poetry still seems to be the best means of writing. More will follow.)

Poem: Gently Brighter

2011-02-24T16:50:00.005-05:00

The sun rose on my face this morning
Letting honesty peer through
Looking ever so slightly
Through slots of partially drawn blinds
Gently conforming to the ripples and folds
Of my cream and wine dipped sheets
Ever so quietly waking
From my gentle slumber with sun kissed cheeks
Inviting me to see a new day
With its unwritten chapter
Where I can be honest
And stop the yelling match between heart and mind
Where sad love songs stop making sense
And frantic mental divides become pointless
Where I can trust that the things
I've locked up since I can remember
Will not shatter in the arms I've come to know and trust
Hope is still alive
Everything good is still alive
As the room gets gently brighter...

Poem: It Hasn't Changed

2011-02-22T21:42:00.010-05:00

Thoughts will twist and turn
Down the chasms of complex minds
Finding reasons to silence tongues
Keeping silent with passing moons and snow drifts
Repeatedly taking back words
That are probably more honest than any
Than the hot air that floats from our mouths
Because we think we already know the outcome
And look at each other through blacked-out glasses
Seeing through blinding pessimism and the heart's possibly lost hope
Just when I think I'm willing to turn my face
And let the rays flood my vision
Peering back into the deep blue sea I have swam in before
And touch the cool skin of a new found morning
Finding warmth in being honest and truly letting go
Of the cages we for our minds have created
But we instead say, "It hasn't changed."
Not knowing which is worse
To lie to ourselves or to each other...

Poem: Fight

2011-02-19T22:40:00.007-05:00

There comes a point
Where my fists raise
Against injustice done within me
To say, "My fear is false."
And say to it, "No, I will not let you win!"
That "I can" and failure will not come
That I will fight for what is good
What I know to be true
In this beating pulse of my own
That what I have run and hid from
May actually be the best thing ever for me
Despite the odds of losing
Because I read in a book
Somewhere in an ancient text
That something can never fail

Poem: Thoughts Untitled

2011-02-12T23:58:00.004-05:00

In the streaming silence
Of a car ride home
And the melodic tones
Of a night alone in a bathtub
I think...
I don't want to write epic poetry
Or poetry that will always end
In the sadness we have known to visit us
Due to broken relationships
And love unmet
To know that dreaming is pointless
If one dream never steps into reality
Like hope has always visited
And knocked on my door
That I can't stand to think
That hope may be mythical
Just like the leagues we exile
Ourselves out of
That what is truthful and right
May be spoken evil of
Because the opposite is easier to believe
Because it's all the world seems to show
When we wrestle with our own hearts
More than we ever could with each other
How we listen to our own insecurities
Better than we listen to each other at times
How we mute out the words of our hearts
Tuning-out what is most in need of voice
With the overly burdening entrapments
Of how, when, why, what, and where...

Poem: Glimpse

2011-02-08T21:54:00.001-05:00

Tug and pull my emotions
Worn thin just like effort
Has the fight in me left
When I had once gotten a glimpse
Dreams sometimes step into reality
Where cynicism finds no rhyme or reason
Where heart dreams are no myth
I started to see something
I'd never in life seen before
Briefly, if ever so subtle
What I'd always hoped could exist
It was there found in reality
If only visible for a moment
But we push and pull to exit the stage
Because fear is a too familiar actor
Too easily we want to purchase
What we have known in exchanged
For what we've always believed in
Yet never fully seen
This cycle is dizzying
This war is pointless
When we're on the same side
And if beating chests went unmuted
Dreams could unfold...

Poem: Rose Colored Glasses

2011-01-29T22:26:00.005-05:00

Maybe just maybe
I have seen life's light
Through rose colored glasses
The war and controversy is too much
Turning my face thinking I am too much
To be able to take all of this
Out in stride
I have thought of becoming invisible
For this country indivisible
Though I have also heard somewhere
That indifference is easier
When deference has its place
But you once asked to be woken
If complacency set in
Oh people how can I wake you
While I am just coming out
Of my own dazed slumber
Like cold water
Thrown in one's face while asleep
Our people including me need to
Wake up!
Because our rose colored glasses
Are about to break...

Poem: There is a Word

2011-01-25T16:38:00.006-05:00

There is a word
That we fear yet ache to embrace
As it should permeate our all
We have gotten glimpses
Known one kind for a long time
But seek to slowly uncover another facet
That has yet not rested or taken root
It is okay to slow down the pace
Of life, emotions, and actions
In this instance where it seems like
The sand of time is running short
And life all around is frustrating chaos
Where we can create a safe place called us
Where lies and fear can gently be dispelled
And hearts can comfortably find room
For continual breathing and peace

Poem: What If

2011-01-07T21:29:00.008-05:00

What if she was beautiful
And you could see your
Little boy running hand within her hand
On the seashore
Sea foam washing over your toes
As your little girl laughs in your arms

What if you knew
She'd always see you for you
Even when you tried to hide your heart
Because of life's storms
And never wanted you to be someone different
Other than what you were created to be...you

What if you could look
In her eyes every morning
And say I've wondered since that day
I spent years looking
But now I know what I'd always wondered
And it was all real just waiting to be recognized

What if you embraced
What you've always wanted to
And watched all fear fall to the wayside
Because you were honest and already knew
That she was ready to stop running
And embrace the dream you have shared

What if she started to embrace the things
In addition to you things she also always knew
That her career wouldn't take her permanently
Away from the country that she's always loved
That she is done with disbelieving
That God would honor her heart

What if she finally believed
That she could achieve her childhood dream
To legally defend a defenseless and voiceless people
That even now she is starting the wheels to turn
Through an exam, and then law school
Back in the place she has called home

What if she was done creating alternate stories
That would really only be running from life
The life she's always wanted
A loving husband and happy children
A career she can say makes a difference
And a furry companion to take nice walks with...

Poem: This is True

2010-12-27T01:12:00.008-05:00

There are things
I've told no one but only
Whispered at night
As I drift off to sleep
Not too far from you
I have told Him of my heart
Over the years in private
When I could not even tell you
But the things I "heard" about others
Time has proven false
I have come to question the stability of such things
Since even those with such "words" have ended in divorce
How can I weigh such things greater
Than what I see and years have proven true?
What I know in my mind and in my heart
To consistently line-up with what I read in His Word
Love is patient, love is kind, love is...
And I was foolish enough to never really even recognize
The qualities that have kept "us" in tact
Despite whatever life storm has thrown our way
The foundation of us never left nor moved
Through friendship or more our foundation never truly shook
Though we bend to the need of each other as life sees fit
Our foundation never changes
I wish I'd only recognized this truth sooner
But even now I am grateful...

Poem: For Him Honestly

2010-12-19T01:49:00.005-05:00

The holidays are getting tiresome
Without knowing you
And I hear words about you
Not knowing if we're already acquainted
Or you're some strange and distant one
I hear love songs and I want to turn them off
I try to talk with God
About what it would be like
If you weren't out there
I know that I am entirely complete in Him
But I have told Him
I feel like I am missing out on something
A piece of what heaven may be like
Here on earth
Because without you
I will never know what
It is like to grow old with someone
To wake up and smile next to the same person year after year
To explore God's beauty with someone else
Or to pray at His feet with you
Our children will never know their mother's voice
Or their father's laughter
Silly home videos will never be taped
And worshipful voices and instruments will never fill our home
And God knows I hate to be so transparent
But knowing this life without you
Will be a small taste of hell
For now I still keep hope in tact
Though there is a night here and there
Where I cry into the arms of God
I will continue running after Him
Because it's the only thing I really know how to do...

Today's Lesson...

2010-12-13T13:42:00.004-05:00

Today's lesson: Laugh when you face ANY kind of trial. There's a bit of irony in everything. Like today, a woman wearing a black dress and heals in a fur coat that drives a really old beater gets two flats. She walks after a utility van seeking help. A man in a pink mini SUV also stops and asks if she has AAA. Nope! Then the pink mini SUV dude, says to continue onto the untility guy. And then Mr. Minnesota Dad (aka utility guy), comes to this woman's rescue. He has a local connection and helps her get 2 new tires for the last bit of dough she has - which is next to nothing. While waiting for the tires, she goes with him to his job since she has nothing but time to burn. Then she calls her boss aka Michael Scott and relays the story briefly. No DC today, but soon she will see her capital. As for now, Bessie her car has new kicks!!

Poem: Unspoken Words

2010-10-29T03:18:00.005-04:00

When the words I miss you
Seem trite and lack full parallel
To the sea of unspoken words
That have been out of time to say
Where prayer seems like a better way
Of talking
Silence slowly breaks
To make room for what we thought we knew
But became deathly afraid of
God is bigger than our past
God's love is deeper
Than the false representations
That turned and deceived
Out of our hands
God's love is stronger
Than any force
Seeking to break us

Poem: Choir Preaching

2010-10-24T12:57:00.005-04:00

Loved ones
With your good intentions
And fears of long
Will guard up your loins
Speaking blind judgments
Having forgotten your own
Soiled and down-trodden pasts
Where compassion will exit the stage
Of what falsely parades as love
Creating miles
From prodigals
Unknowingly taking your ears
Away from the Father's chest
Thinking you understand
In your own wisdom
Creating your own comfortable orb
And forgetting how to weather a storm
That Jesus told you to walk on water with
We forget that Jesus lived among the sinners
That the light that was in Him
Is in us and is far greater
Than any darkness we could ever see
And we wonder why there is despise
Amidst those made in His image
Forgive us for this bareness we have created
For yes there is free will
But the church has blindly turned the will of many
To far off places
The heart was never meant to venture
Fragile is this world we were given
With the power to breathe life and death into each other
For who does not know the fruit of knowledge of good and evil
But rare is the understanding of Life...

Poem: Swept Away and Easy

2010-10-18T16:28:00.007-04:00

The temptation
Is to go along with the flow
Where you are lingering
Swept along with the undertow
And take in some water
To briefly let go
Of who I am
And what I've stood for
Guarded with my life
Once I lost that woman
In the crowd
Of beautiful people
With beautiful bodies
And intoxicating habits
That girl was
Hotter than others in a crowd
Effortless double takes
Rarely staying with the same person
More than a song
Owning the VIP's
Body to body surfing
With no string wanted
False numbers
Sure I'll give you my number
If you want to dance one more time, daddy
And sometimes false names
Sure you can call me Kate, baby
People who loved me didn't know
And I hid better than you
Without a single trace
Of where I'd been the night before
My church was still home
My church friends were still there
But only as much as I let them

This Woman's Work: a Brief Response to the Poetry of Another

2010-10-17T22:18:00.000-04:00

Like poets of old
I will write in dialog of what I have experienced
On a similar yet different parallel
Here is a story for friendly poetic eyes
A snap shot of my reality...

If words could sting and pierce
The beating of our understanding
Where you feel running against your chest
And the arms you waited for
I will walk with my face towards the sun
Watching the sky turn hues
That only a lone star will know
Though the night may be as frigid
Your darkest days triggered
I won't forget the feeling of home
As I keep my face to the sun
Followers will try to slide
Beneath the surface of what I keep
Still hidden and burried deep
Poking and proding for a place
To enter in
I will close doors that should be shut
While keeping a door open
Appearing closed
Secrets hidden in the pinions of a great God
I will look to the sea
Truths hidden and corked
Kept safe and without harm
Despite what waves may apear
I am placid and calm
Though alone
Amidst kindred souls knowing the same
Breath aimed outward
While another may write Steinbeck conversations

So I too will agree in this dialogue
In the transparency
Too deep and uncomfortable
For the common to stride
Though this is a common woman's work...

Poem: I Can See

2010-10-14T22:44:00.004-04:00

Photos have passed by my gaze
From childhood to now
And nothing is more beautiful
I struggle to get these words out
For silence has rested between us
And water slowly creeps
Into the bottom of my lids
I hate crying..truly..
But there is nothing more beautiful
That I have been able to see
With my own eyes
Yes many have known my eyes
Just as many have been entranced by yours
We're not new to the game
Or its rules
Oh how I would break every rule
If it meant that the truths we spoke of
Could surface
But all I know is that cameras would break
If they could contain all of who you are
No photo does justice
Nor written entry or video clip
Could possibly capture it all
You have trumped anything I once knew
Even while you hide yourself
I can see...

Outstretched Hand

2010-10-13T13:07:00.001-04:00

Last night, I felt like I was supposed to write this entry. I got all excited about spending a night with coffee, good music, and writing - something I'm a big fan of doing from time to time. But, I had to stay at work late, so here I am now.

About a week ago, I had this burden that I was praying about. I got to the point where I just needed to hear something concrete. The answer I got was not anything like I was expecting, but then again that's normal for God. The scripture I received to read was Romans 10:21 which states, "But as for Israel He says, 'All the day long I have stretched out My hands to a disobedient and obstinate people.'" Often times people will read this and think of the wrongs of people rather than God. That's not at all what this post is about, so continue reading.

You see, for a while I'd been wanting to run from something that was causing a bit of pain in my life. There's no need to go into any real detail about the specifics here. Just know, in times past my old nature was quick to tell someone off and cut things off when I felt I'd been slighted. Depending on the case, I'd later realize how much of a jerk I was despite how justified I felt at the moment and apologize. But that wasn't always the case in the past. So I know "me" very well and God's taken a long time to work some of the "me" out of me. He's cool and gracious like that. And rather than allowing me to fall back to my old ways; He said, "No, I just want you to sit tight and rest. Rest in Me and let Me do this." And if you know anything about being in emotional "limbo" it can be extremely uncomfortable. And if you're anything like me, you want to run as fast as you can and head over and past the hills when you're really uncomfortable. But what if God says NO! Well, you're left in the place I was told to sit. Your hands are stretched out and just waiting patiently. And the patience is real, not something you coax yourself into and tell yourself to do when in reality you're actually anxious the entire time. But you just have this deep understanding that things are going to be okay, regardless.

And from this place is where I was praying and had been praying for over a week. In true rest there isn't any room for striving or anxiety. There's no place for trying to make sense of the things that aren't to be made sense of yet. You just lay it down. You lay it ALL down. By laying things down, you don't harshly cut someone off or give them a "piece of your mind" though you may feel justified. And the thing about rest is, it's not even really about you. When you can enter into rest, God can show you His heart, not just what you "think" His heart looks like for a situation or for others. Often what we "think" we know is far from the truth and skewed by religious perceptions and/or our own wounds. In the stillness of rest you get a deeper realization of His heart and His love for others. And if you're wise, you'll let it take over your old ways and transform you.

So with this verse in Romans, I got a brief glimpse of God's deep, deep love for us. He says, “All day long I have stretched out My Hands...” How often is He just waiting there patiently with His hands stretched out waiting for us to recognize who He really is? How much He is for us and not against us. How much does He refuse to just turn His back on us even when we think He will or may even want Him to...despite our mess.

The church often says that God is a holy God and can't stand in the same room as our sin. And He is most certainly and undeniably holy, gorgeously holy. But I think this perspective of our sin making Him have to turn away is entirely wrong. I'd even go to say that it's one of those religious perspectives that the church “thinks” it has “understood,” but has gotten entirely wrong. It's that “thing” that makes people feel like they have to have it all right to even get a glimpse of God or to even approach Him. So they get weighed down and don't even try. But doesn't the Bible say in John 3:16, “He so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son.”? We quote this verse so much in the church, but do we even really get the depth of this? This phrase “He so loved the world” just rings deep. Let that really marinate in you (or Selah). He couldn't stand to be apart from us. It wasn't that we needed to get it all “right” so we could get with Him. He literally just couldn't stand to be apart from us. The commandments didn't work. Burnt offerings didn't work. Nothing worked! It was His last resort and He is still holding out His hand.

Like a strong yet hurt lover just patiently waiting to be recognized and acknowledged. Waiting for His bride to turn around and look Him in the eyes. Because He was never the one that turned His back, but it was us all along that was refusing His outstretched hand. He can handle our mess. He just wants us to turn and take His hand...

~K.L.

Poetry: Soil

2010-10-12T11:10:00.004-04:00

Whispering down the path
Scattering seed
Of what we believed
And wasn't us
With no room for infatuation
Or inflation
Both knowing pain too deep
To even attempt to fabricate
Or believe in a lie
I will cup soil
Planting things deep
Into promises
Never rooted in me
All the confirmation
And favor
Answer upon answer to prayer
Knowing that Love never left
I shall plant all this
And keep walking
With my promises kept to my God

Poem: Same Sky

2010-10-09T23:25:00.006-04:00

Tapes have stopped
Repeating lies of my past
And I look at you
Over the expanse of the sky
Wondering...
Maybe we're looking at the same stars
And if I'm not the only one missing this
The beautiful reality that was
Being painted before our eyes
Before all became hazy and cold
Where a Voice became muffled, almost muted
For once
Where things were clearer
And hopes were higher
Where I knew you
Without your fortress built so high
I sometimes wonder if there is love
That has just been overcast by fear
I wonder if we will ever see each other
For who we really are...
The man and woman that God is building
Strong and beautiful
Resilient and patient
Kind and enduring
I've since understood why my prayers went unanswered before
When I would beg God for things that weren't good
Why ten years would have to pass
Before I could hear what I'd tried to hear about others
The enemy is quite cruel
And has deceived my past too
Crashing my heart against the crags of what I thought was love
But it wasn't love at all
Because if God is love
And we are in Him
Nothing can fail
Because Love doesn't fail...
So there is no reason to listen
Lies we've hoped in for safety that have wounded us more
To my lie that I am just another beautiful woman
That will mean nothing to you
That your old players' jig will no longer make sense
That you can have a woman and have her mean nothing
Love doesn't fail and it doesn't lie
For too long we've listened to lies
No more..
No more..
May the heart now find room to breathe and speak
Without muted tones or muffled truths
If God's voice could be heard in a heart
Now would be a better time than ever..

Poem: Covenants

2010-09-19T13:44:00.002-04:00

At 2:00 I will grow tired
Of being alone in my home
Waiting for the the unseen
To become seen
I make silent promises
To never break a heart
To love another's just like my own...

Poem: Longing

2010-08-25T11:35:00.003-04:00

So I stared my deepest longing
In the face of what has not happened
This desire to nurture burns in me
This untapped spring of love
Wants to burst
And all I can do is sob
Over what people take for granted
Over the miracle that happens every day
Multiple times a day
Where only microscopes can tell of
Tiny miracles that grow into life size beings
I sob into the arms of my God
Calling out the one desire
That has not been met
The one desire
That I don't take lightly
Or haphazardly
The desire that has masked itself in alluring veils
Of other people
Lesser men
Years discerning what is true and what is false
To find my deepest desire still unmet
Despite my heart consistently ravished and adored
By its Creator
I was not meant to hoard this gift
Keep this love locked up and hidden
Where tears find their prostrate state
And voiceless longings find their words
Where I slip into a frame of the future
Where I am laying there
My child drifting off into oblivion
Nursing in my arms
And you lay there on the other side
Of our miracle
Touching my face and stealing a moment
Where our lips meet
And the peace of everything answered
Surpasses this current and momentary loneliness...

Poem: 18 Letters

2010-06-12T02:37:00.003-04:00

After letters in spoken words
Etched their last and final breath
And silence and space took
The way of us far
Away from the grasp of our finger tips
Where words tried to extinguish
Truth
What was known found room
To breathe in ink and roam on paper
And dip in a river or pond
The only way to find release
Waiting, a six month journey
18 unsent letters

Poem: Two Years Pass

2010-06-12T02:00:00.002-04:00

Current moments create triggers
Three warm seasons past
Green leaves spread out amidst white
Where blue and chocolate meet
A disarming gaze
From the strange yet kindred
Where love's mythology
Momentarily steps into reality
Two years pass...

Poem: Smokescreens

2010-05-09T00:59:00.004-04:00

These mental lapses
Laps running round
Searching the bounds of my heart
To appease you
To somehow give you happiness
As I have stripped myself bare
Before you
Gave up smokescreens and masks
To only be afflicted
And I unable
To relinquish my defenses
As I continually stare at your walls
Giving no glimpse of reward
For forgiveness
For hurdles surpassed
Why can't we rest
In these separate bodies
In peace?
You haunt me in my waking and rising
A thought I continually dismiss
For time and trust are unkind friends
Trying to make sense of grey
Just like you and I.

Poem: Unwritten Letter

2010-04-27T20:36:00.000-04:00

How I've treated
Pushed and pulled you far and close
Stretched patience
Neglected penance
Thought you were durable
Enough to withstand my storms
Intentional or not
I was not perfect nor am I
Even when you look back
Wondering why paths were as they are
I am just as much at fault if not more
Stop banging your head against the wall
Trying to make sense
Of wrecked opportunities long gone
And rest with me in the now
Learn the sound of my voice
The patterns of my mind
The passions of my heart
In this safe place between
While the kindness of Life
Extends the same graces
And builds things perfectly
This is the unwritten letter to myself and you.

Poem: Taking Stage

2010-04-25T00:26:00.004-04:00

Pushing pillows against my back
Snuggling into the fake body
I have created
To dull the ache of your lack
Play with children, I will
Play with children, I will
Sighing, wishing we had our own for care
Wanting understudies to bow out
While you take center stage
Knowing this life was meant to be shared
While others seek to break bonds and vows
With those they loved
I wait for this play act to end
Waiting for His reality to begin
Where you step onto the stage
Into my life
And begin our reality
The story He's written to unfold

Poem: At Ease

2010-03-31T23:20:00.002-04:00

The tides rest
And tremors find no home
Though roads know yet
No end or direction
The crimson strand I clung onto
Floats in the air
The black cord that bound me
Buried way down below the ground
Walking foot before foot
Stride after stride
Onward and at ease

Poem: So Far

2010-03-28T11:20:00.003-04:00

So far
With many acres lying between
And a beating ache
Only pitches and tones to sooth
One tells why
After trials pass by
Walking on the road
Jogging down memories
Thoughts and healing done
Too far away
Needing to protect
The beautiful
While resisting
Desire to fly

Journal Entry: My Dad

2010-03-09T12:54:00.001-05:00

Last night I found myself mourning the loss of my father. It's not that he has died. But the father I knew as a child that took care of me when I was sick and took me to arcades and fished, that man is long dead and I never mourned him. It's like I kept the before and after in two separate categories and treated them like two different people rather than one that has died inside of another.

And I hate to admit it, but I think I have used men to fill the void that he left in my life. In years past, I've refused to look at it like that because it sounded so "textbookish" and contrived not to mention stereotypical. The last thing I've ever wanted was to be thought of was a statistic in some psychology textbook.

What brought me to realize this was the fact that I've wrestled with missing men from my past for the past couple of days. I didn't know why or what was actually going on. I thought about Nate and how he's been better to me than any other man I've known. The only person I can compare him to in respect to how well he treats me is how good my father was to me before alcohol took him again. I can't speak for others, but he treated me like gold.

And so I sobbed over the loss of him last night. At other points, I was angry and bitter, but last night I cried because I lost someone I deeply loved and I know loved me. It's strange how 18 years later I finally mourn such loss.

It's not to say that I think my boyfriend is like my childhood father as they are worlds apart in so many respects, but the kindness and goodness extended unto me feels somewhat similar though worlds apart.

What Does Love Look Like Here?

2010-02-24T15:12:00.003-05:00

I have been renting a basement apartment just outside of DC for quite a few months now. In my time here I have been yelled at by a teenage girl without logical reason on a couple of occasions that doesn't have any respect for anyone. I have been accused of doing things that I have by no means done by another. I have had to alert a parent that their child is smoking because it's the right thing to do. I have had to clean up multiple messes that I have not contributed to creating. I have folded laundry that was not mine as a means of doing something nice and been yelled at. I have lived in a cold area that leaves me shivering at night and having a hard time going to sleep. I cannot feel comfortable inviting others over due to continual mess that is here. And I am now being told that the only thing of comfort to me in this house has to go, my cat. What does love look like here?

Second Corinthians 12:15 says, "I will very gladly spend and be spent for you." I just don't know how this translates into now. Any and all input is welcome.

Personal Confession

2010-02-24T12:12:00.006-05:00

Popularity...I know the reason why I was never nor will I ever be able to maintain a popular status. I love people, genuinely. And if you've ever gotten a chance to have a heart-to-heart or a cup of coffee you'll know that I wear my flaws as well as my heart on my sleeve but will encourage and love you the best I know how to. But for whatever reason, I suck at staying in touch with people at times. It's like I have some unknown limit of people that I can keep in close and regular communication with - otherwise people just fall through the cracks. And if you somehow fall into that number that fell through the cracks, please know that I love you and never meant to lose touch. And though we weren't able to meet up, write, and/or talk as much as I would have liked to, my care for you was and is genuine.

Vision and the War

2010-02-19T10:23:00.003-05:00

Over the past year and a series of events, I've finally narrowed it down to what I actually want to to do with my life; not what I think I should do, but what I want to do. So expect to hear more about human trafficking and the "war" against it. For today, I post an article from the Washington Post. Please read on.

Report: Hundreds forced into labor, sex in Ohio

By MATT LEINGANG
The Associated Press
Thursday, February 11, 2010; 1:50 AM

COLUMBUS, Ohio -- About 1,000 American-born children are forced into the sex trade in Ohio every year and about 800 immigrants are sexually exploited and pushed into sweatshop-type jobs, a new report on human trafficking in the state said Wednesday.

Ohio's weak laws on human trafficking, its growing demand for cheap labor and its proximity to the Canadian border are key contributors to the illegal activity, according to a report by the Trafficking in Persons Study Commission.

"Ohio is not only a destination place for foreign-born trafficking victims, but it's also a recruitment place," said Celia Williamson, an associate professor at the University of Toledo who led the research.

Formed last year by Ohio Attorney General Richard Condray, the commission also found that hundreds more in the state are at risk of being forced into sex trafficking or to work against their will in fields, restaurants, sweatshops or constructions sites.

Nationwide, between 45,000 and 50,000 people are trafficked into the United States, according to a 2001 report by the U.S. State Department. But Williamson noted that the problem is hard to quantify because of the underground nature of human trafficking, and studies often rely on estimates. Even the Ohio study, which analyzed law enforcement and government databases, is limited, she said.

Cordray said the report establishes the scope of the problem in Ohio as authorities discuss ways to combat it.

From 1990 to 2000, Ohio's foreign-born population increased 30 percent, and the state has a growing pool of legal and illegal immigrants who draw victims or hide victims, Williamson said. These networks are highly organized, with brothels fronting as legitimate businesses.

Also, Toronto's airport is an arrival destination for international victims who are trafficked in Canada and transported to other cities, helping make Toledo, about 55 miles southwest of Windsor, Ontario, rank fourth in the U.S. in terms of arrests, investigations and rescue of domestic child-sex victims, the report said.

Only Miami, Portland, Ore., and Las Vegas had more.

A federal investigation into a child prostitution ring in Harrisburg, Pa., exposed Toledo as a center for the trade in 2005. Nine local girls were sold as sex slaves as part of the ring, and at least 12 of the 31 people charged had ties to Toledo.

Ohio does not have a stand-alone human trafficking law. Instead, it allows prosecutors to attach a human trafficking specification to related crimes that increase prison sentences - just as penalties are more severe if a crime involves a firearm.

According to the report, 42 states with tough human trafficking laws can bring serious charges. Offenders in Delaware, Montana, New Mexico and New York may face up to 100 years in prison, for example.

The report said that besides weak state laws in Ohio, law enforcement agencies often don't recognize human trafficking when responding to reports of illegal activity. For example, Ohio is quick to label child prostitutes as delinquents and to incarcerate them, rarely looking further at the adults involved, Williamson said.

The report recommends handling child trafficking cases through the child welfare system rather than the juvenile courts.

Poem: Wreck

2010-01-31T00:35:00.003-05:00

Lessons will whisper
Through the hallways of memories
Your name is written somewhere
Carved in caligraphy
On a tree
Journal
Unsent letter
Or invisibly
Uttered in heart
Etched by tears
Multiple lives
To say I knew you
Where another stands
Trying to mend
What was long undone

Poem: Where

2010-01-31T00:25:00.003-05:00

Where does one go
For release
For freedom
Under the microscope
Of the unnecessary
Eyes of you
But find the release
Of a pen and paper
Yet the audience
Of what may be needed?

Poem: Until Truth Break Fetters

2010-01-27T23:50:00.003-05:00

Sister I have yet to know
Only observed
With heavy heart wrought
Grasping out in the chill air
Icicles forming strands
Whiped across your forehead
With liquids dull
Languid sway
You become undone
In arms thought to be
With love masked and hope
Give in
Walking the tightrope
I cannot judge
What I too have at once
Known with an albatross
Freedom is dim and witless
Fooled and bound again
Until Truth break fetters

Ugh..

2010-01-19T20:38:00.003-05:00

So a couple months ago, I decided to start some new blog that was intended to be "cooler" and more "trendy." Strangely, I have no interest in writing there even with it's cooler and new-and-improved appearance. "Meh" is a good word to sum up the emotion tied to it. And if I could count the copious hours that have been spent here over the years along with the underlying poetry battles and unsuspecting visitors who use this to kind-of get a glimpse into what is somewhat of a guarded woman, this blog itself carries an interesting story. So I confess, I have a love/hate relationship with this "thing" sometimes. I feel that the appearance is somewhat outdated along with the tag name of "gentilebeauty" which is a play on the meaning of my real name, Kyera, that I came up with when I was 19 and just transfered to here. It's an Irish name that translates to "gentle beauty," if you care to know.

So with this relationship, if I could call it that, with my own blog and desire to write yet wrestle with the desire to be private yet known; I am going to just deal with it and revamp a couple things here. And if I continue to write here more consistently, I think I'll be golden. Writing is and has always been my only consistent passion in life. I just wish that I didn't go through spells of not writing publicly. Strangely enough, I didn't write much when I was engaged and haven't written much in a more recent relationship. Don't ask me why, because I don't know why and I wish it weren't true.

Stay tuned and feel free to yell at me if I go for too long without writing here.

P.S. I'm currently reading The Confession and Other Religious Writings by Leo Tolstoy. It's a must read if your up for an honest encounter and good mental challenge.

New Blog

2009-11-16T20:07:00.001-05:00

I've either temporarily or permanently moved my blog to www.kllamoureux.wordpress.com. So go there and visit. :)

To All:

2009-11-02T21:28:00.007-05:00

Maybe this is your first time visiting this blog. Maybe you've been an innocent bystander in some awful, angry, and sad thoughts and were somehow entertained--like my last poem about my mother. Maybe you actually got a glimpse of a hidden heart and became intrigued to the point of continued visitations. But regardless of whether some or none of the above are true, welcome. And though I have sometimes been too aware of who does and does not read this blog and have sometimes written or not written based on that readership, I will admit that I no longer care. Of course I care about your thoughts and feelings just like I care about anyone elses. But I can say I'm no longer afraid of the responsibility that comes with writing privately or public ally. Call it selfish, but I'm keeping this more for me than for you. I'm sure you need such a space too as you are human. I just thought that you should know that more will probably be written here because I am no longer afraid of what a romantic interest might find here or what an overly religious friend might condemn. If you come to understand God, love, or me more through this, I hope its the honesty that you come to experience that in turn leads to understanding. I won't promise any prolific works or anything overly spectacular, but I can say that it won't be dull here--at least I hope.

Love,
Kyera

Poem: Space

2009-10-27T00:51:00.003-04:00

Someday someone will
Fill this space
In every nook and cranny
The kind of space where singleness
No longer seems single
They will fit perfectly
Even though they will not be perfect
But until then...
I will enjoy and walk around
In this new created space

Poem: Selfish

2009-10-19T22:29:00.001-04:00

Spinning orbs
We create our own worlds
Not reaching out those in need
Not caring for that except
Only which will give us an emotional high
Or benefit
How did we ever get this way?

Poem: This Moment

2009-10-16T22:05:00.004-04:00

I hate this moment
When I realize what this is
My dreams have soared high
Too many times, too many times
What is this
Where you want to let tears fall
But you can't
Life has stunned you
And all you feel is numb

Things that Slide

2009-10-12T11:08:00.011-04:00

Back in mid August, I had rejoined a site that I had taken a break from for a number of months due to some convictions that I needed to deal with. Since it's no longer taboo - not that I totally care about what is "taboo" or not - I'll tell you here what I've been partaking in. A dating site! Ha, I said it.

The reason why I first joined was probably similar to the reason that many join such sites. We're all looking for someone we can be loved and understood by that we can give the same love and understanding back to. It's not that there is a lack of attractive and intelligent people in the DC and Annapolis areas. And it's not that there's a lack of being asked out. But, I've never believed in dating for the sake of dating. Not to mention, there has to be more than physical attraction and intelligence to someone. There has to be faith, genuine faith, that I can mutually share with someone. So finding the right combination of things has been an interesting pursuit. And just so you know, the site I joined was faith-based; so I thought that would help narrow things down. It's been a interesting and very useful filter to have.

So in the midst of this online dating, I've learned A LOT! I've probably learned more about people and dating through this site in the short period of time that I've been using it than I did in the two and half years of being engaged. In hind site, I think God has saved me from a lot of bad circumstances and people. Or even good people that just weren't "it"--not that I actually know all the specifics of what is "it."

But, I have gained a greater understanding of what is not "it." Part of this came through someone visiting from the South West. It's not the revelation was new, it was just a good and deeper reminder of some things that cannot be negotiated with. I found myself accepting things that I shouldn't have to deal with. For example, a couple days before he made the trek out to the east coast, I found a photography site of his that had some slightly pornographic pictures on it. How did I find it? Well, a sweet e-mail he'd sent me had his old photography business info. on it. So I thought, "Cool, maybe he has a site with more of his work on it. Most photographers do." I had known pornography was something that he'd wrestled with before and had been "apparently" walking in freedom from. But when I found this, I was furious. They weren't just pictures he'd seen, they were ones he'd taken. I almost told him not to come and cut it off then. But after we talked, things were fine and he removed the pictures from the site. On the side of grace, I figured we all have one thing we wrestle with more than others. You know, that one sin that we can't seem to kick that comes back to haunt us with a vengeance once we thought we've gotten over it. I thought, if his is pornography and he's genuinely wanting to be free from it, I'd much rather walk with him through that than with someone who has serious anger issues or other stuff. But when he came, I saw him try to discreetly check-out other women and take a lot of what I did for granted. This is certainly not all of it, but I'll refrain from continuing to write all the wrongs. I don't want to turn this into a man bashing vent and I don't want to slander him. I genuinely do love and respect men and am against anything that tries to emasculate or put them down. So please, don't take my writing this as any attempt to slander or put down men.

My point is this... I found myself looking over a lot more than I should have. The things I forgave and accepted as water under the bridge became too much and in a short time became repeated offences. And I won't be as arrogant to say that I feel like God "saved" me from a bad man or relationship. I just think He protected me from a load I was never meant to carry. And before ever meeting this man from the South West, God had taken almost a year in teaching me how to guard my heart. So I can honestly say that I'm not mad, sad, or even really hurt. Truly, I'm not. It's just one of those things that I can say I totally understand now why things would never work, though in the middle of it all things seemed a little hazy. It's only until you step back and look at all the things you let slide and realize that all those little things amount to one huge pile of "stuff."

Poem: New Again

2009-10-11T11:12:00.003-04:00

Six months passed
I knew sad songs and many tears
Burned by a flame white
Changed towns and states
Countless reminders
Despite attempted amnesia
Yet there still you are
What thought gone
Still beautiful, mysterious, and in tact
The first second chance
Alive and new again...

Poem: Hold In

2009-10-03T22:41:00.004-04:00

A moment before the symphony rises
Crescendos in time
A tell tale note of what
Could
Like musicians waiting for a cue
We hold our breath in
Not knowing entirely what's next

The Second Chapter: A Brief Recollection of this Week

2009-09-25T16:17:00.010-04:00

Just when I was getting used to him by my side, Texas took him back this morning--or so did the Pilot that carpooled in all the way to my coast. He was/is different, yet wonderful. A true, romantic, country boy. Unlike anyone from my past in just about every possible way. It was like my heart had known him all along and I was just getting used to the smell of his cologne, the feel of his skin, and the sight of him again. Not for the first time. And though lack of sleep tired me, grow tired of him I didn't. Though our legs grew weary of miles walked and my blisters gained, I would travel miles just to see him again to fully unveil this mystery. Though he tried to get under my skin for the sake of test, he didn't really. And though things are drastically different than anything of before, I still think this is different in every possibly good way. Look where those paths lead...

When we went out, we walked amidst the cities holding hands and playing our secret little game; I looked forward to his smiles and his glances. Meanwhile, I questioned who he was. Is he my husband? I wanted to hold back and at times I did for fear of premature feelings or lack of reciprocation. Inside, I told God things. And once, I said something out of time in a moment of passion. It was one of those "little things" we say we have heard and seen from on high. Still waiting for a greater clarity...

And though some things fell by the way side due to time being too packed and tiredness too prevalent in minimal moments of down-time, I did learn some things. The land that I had felt so tied to, the area where I live, I realized how little it actually means to me. I am surrounded by history I haven't taken the time to fully grasp. The arts I so love, I haven't made time to fully soak in. People are less polite and less willing to kindly interject into each others' lives. Friendly smiles amongst strangers are a rare commodity. And the life we were originally given from the beginning of Eden has a price so high that it makes even the comfortable pinch pennies. The temptation to enter into the rat race is greater here. The pull of popularity in defining what is cool versus not is stronger here. All the small things I thought had held some kind of meaning and importance even if they be minimal, I have been reminded again of how they are just superficial to the true meaning of life--Life in Him.

Furthermore, in a silent moment with God a couple weeks ago, I asked Him to please allow me to stay here. The fear of leaving the comfortable in being close to beaches, cities, friends, and family was strong. I didn't even realize how deep it had been lodged in me until this week and how false it was. And though the tug of "hurry up and figure this all out" is there. My palms are open as He has loosened my grip on where I live as the life He has for me might not actually be here--it's probably not. He's slowly teaching me more what it means to live from my heart and not so much from my head.

And though my heart is slow to learn, He's also teaching me in a deeper way how the patterns of my past don't have to continue--even things I wasn't entirely aware of until now. God's taken a lot of time in this past year to undo a lot of wrong ways of thinking. And though the past events of darker and backslidden days could be the definition of what he and I know...God says, "No! I have something different, beautifully different." So on trust, He has given me a man that can be trusted. On judgement, He's given me a man I can talk to without fear of judgment as I can tell him the deepest things within me, even the ugly things. I can be a total goof ball with him too which is soo important. There's just so much that could be written here... In short, I'm grateful for the work He's begun. :D

And without knowing the final outcome, I trust God's timing and what He has done thus far; even though it hasn't been without flaw as He is working with lumps of clay on His potter's wheel. Continue to spin us. Continue to hear us. Continue to answer us. We'll continue to listen and then act. And in Your timing, You will make all things known. It is in You, we trust...

Poem: Different

2009-09-13T10:53:00.002-04:00

Time has muddied waters
Hindering view
Listening to tracks of truth
Wrong "honesties"
Lies painted as truth
"This is the moment
that you know
that you told her that you loved her
but you don't"
But now is somehow different
Or so I hope
While I look at the line of love
Wondering if I can really walk over
Wanting to believe this is different
Hoping in the midst of broken records
A different song exists

Poem: Self Sabotage

2009-07-06T19:58:00.004-04:00

Short breathed and guarded
Years of trying to stay protected
And we let the wrong people in
Keeping the right ones out
So afraid of passion and compassion abused
To hide the heart beyond vision
And you couldn't see what was needed to view
So time and small incidents kill a flame
All in an afternoon a tide changes
Because of self sabotage...
While the only option is to say okay.

Poem: Coast

2009-06-25T18:28:00.003-04:00

The coast has learned my name well
Every syllable
Every tone
Of my being
Moving up and down
Searching and longing
For deeper
Deeper waters
Deeper meaning
Deeper life
Still search, I will...

Transition...

2009-06-21T17:04:00.004-04:00

I've played the piano, cuddled with my cat, and IMed people trying to forget how things are now; but the truth of the matter is still the same. I'm moving again as a small chapter closes in PA. For a long time I've kind of lived a nomadic life, never living in the same apartment/house for longer than a year because of college, work, or something else. Quite frankly, I'm tired. I'm tired of moving. I'm tired of goodbyes. I'm tired of constant state of unrest. Longing for rest and needing to be back in a place where change happens, I'm relocating back to MD--Annapolis more specifically. So far I've lived in VA, MD, and PA this year. Crazy, I know... But I don't know when things will settle down or when I'll settle down. I'd like to say that I'll be in the next place for years and I hope that can be true. But with reconsidering law school, that also may not happen. I feel like God has had me on a crazy ride for a while. It's been fun and exciting, but I'm ready to get off and walk around in the same spot for a while. Transience is not all that it's cracked up to be...

Poem: Vibe

2009-06-06T20:14:00.003-04:00

Tarnished by shame
And lost through wrong
The lack of forgiveness
When He already covered and forgot
Because we asked
The tear...
The loss...
It's gone, it's long gone.
Even what He could have
Maybe even wanted to redeem
There is a choice; there's always a choice.

Poem: For Minnesota

2009-06-04T20:13:00.006-04:00

I'm never this transparent by choice
Music will drown out the unknown a little too well
"Sauvie Island" part of the playlist of all this
Along with "Pachad" and "If I Ever Feel Better"
Thinking time and sound will drown it out
That which I can't explain
That which gets beneath our skin and to our core
And finds us when we want to hide
That which put us on the same page of life
Known and understood from day one
The beautiful, mysterious, and scary
Yeah, that
The unforgettable
Though men of the Ivy League find interest
With their intelligence, looks, and sophistication
And just like that old picture with two women
Smiling on each side
You look up and away as if not to notice
"I truly could care less" the nonverbal message
That truth is mirriored in my now
Though those are the prized in the eyes of others
Everyone seems dull and lackluster
Because they're not you...
And logic would say this is foolish
And your mind will say, she doesn't know
And all I'll say is, "Remember before the fall."

Poem: City

2009-05-18T12:13:00.004-04:00

Everyone wants to be heard
But everyone is silent at the same time
A contradiction
People the crowning glory of creation
Yet everything is grey and and man made... no nature
A contradiction
Change happens and flows outward
Epicenters create change regardless of good or bad
A truth
We come to grips with our faults
Because we're always in the face of others...suffocatingly so
A truth
The city is a purge of humanity
A melting pot meant to boil
A place to be loved and hated
...a contradiction and a truth

Poem: Sometimes

2009-05-08T00:34:00.003-04:00

Sometimes
I ask for Him to take this away
These feelings that seem to go nowhere
Since the door has been closed
Sometimes

Poem: Our World

2009-05-06T11:24:00.007-04:00

It's sad
How we will dash
And bring to death the beautiful
Before time allows for blossom
Because society tells us it's okay
To be wreckless
Because it's all "ours"
And we let our worlds
Revolve only around what
Feels right at the moment
Selfish we all are
And to the core we're all ugly
What an awful lesson
To learn with someone so beautiful

-----
The song I listened to while writing this is here.

Poem: Photograph In Time

2009-05-05T22:45:00.005-04:00

If I could steal a moment
I would tell you what words can't suffice
Though your heart's beating comprehension
Nearer I would know you
More than a friend or confidant
The tension would break...
And you would break through
Let the wind blow around
Rain touching our faces
Now I hear the low air of your breath
Closed eyes to feel your cheek pressed to mine
The strength of your embrace surrounds me
You know what I know
As we capture a moment
Like a photograph in time
While I wait for you
And singleness knows me well...

Poem: For the Right Reason

2009-05-05T11:25:00.004-04:00

If I were to know you
And get a glimpse
Of what you try to hide
Still I find you amazing
I do, because I have
Branded with passion
Seared by pain
Strong through the struggle
Overwhelmed with Him
Pure and untainted
But you don't see

Poem: Spiral. (There's also a note at the end.)

2009-05-03T22:21:00.006-04:00

Tattooed cross below the navel
Dancing in a drunken daze
Barely able to hold your grip
Alone on the floor
A metaphor of you...
Picturesque, but tainted
One question came to mind
More that what should have been asked
What are you running from?
But before I could find the guts to say
A strange man appears
Saying something surely smooth
And you go...
While the moment was lost
Maybe I could have saved you
From what you'll regret in the morning
And from the spiral that winds down

And the note...
Last night I drove about two hours to see an old friend from high school play in his band after a ten hour work day. Strangely enough, driving doesn't bother me if there's good music at the end of the journey. So I drove. For my girlfriends that read this, no there's nothing "romantic" there--trust me. And when I got there, there was a very young girl that arrived shortly after I did. She couldn't have been any older than 22. This poem is about her and a lost moment of needed question. Sad, I know. I wrote this peom after she left with the "strange" man, a stranger.

And I wonder, how many oportunities does God tap us on the shoulder to do something that might not look "cool" and we don't do it. Too many I'm sure we can all say; unless you happen to be wearing a halo I didn't see. This is just food for thought as are most of my posts.

By the way, you should probably also know that I'm most likely going to start up another blog if I continue to blog. I think I've kind of out grown this particular one, so change is a must. When that happens I'll find a nifty way to let you know and/or just leave the link up here as my last post.

Poem: You Should Know

2009-04-29T14:03:00.006-04:00

Before we ever spoke
You broke all that was good
And noteworhty
Taking glimpses
Rather than waiting for gifts
Intruded in on a private space
Breaking in when I need it
Too good, but not good at all
You should just know
Though you're used to public glances
When compliments come easily
And you know the rules to the game well
Because you are beautiful and intelligent
I know all these too
I will not say that I am broken, wounded, or bruised
But I will build my walls a mile high
You should know...

Poem: Ready

2009-04-28T22:07:00.002-04:00

I will say that I have waited
Wanted open doors to close
And closed doors to open
But nothing avails
Still I know silence
Searching behind the myth that parades as love
Trying to find what is real
Groping behind the veil
I am sad to say that I am blind
And even if you were to know me
That I wouldn't be ready
Or able to receive...

Compromise Kills, Point Blank

2009-04-25T00:09:00.005-04:00

Over the past three months I feel like I've lived a couple of lives...

Back in February, I was living in VA in a pretty radical "Christian" community where gender roles were as old school as you could get. I put the word Christian in quotes because only after living there did I find out that it wasn't Christian at all. I'm not going to go into detail as to why and how I came to those conclusions because I'd rather not rehash all that; if you know me in person then you know why it wasn't. But hey, if an organization offers to pay for everything including further education if you teach for them, it starts to be pretty tempting. Not to mention their use of the Bible to support what they do and how they live is incredibly convincing. So don't knock me :P

Thus I go from living in this super conservative group where women pretty much just cook and clean to now being in corporate Americia with my "new" job. To think, I'm going golfing next Thursday with the company. I kind of want to laugh at myself for that one, ha, ha. I'll be blunt and honest, there's so much about me that's entirely anti-corporate America. The selfishness and the greed behind so much of it just turns my stomach. But hey, I've got to pay off those astronomical student loans for that top-of-the-line public university I went to since I wasn't on mommy or daddy's check book or credit card. Lucky me.

Okay enough with my rambling, you're already wondering...When's this chick going to get to her point? Well, the point of this post is not about how I escaped a crazy commune or even how hilarious and ironic I find it that I'm right smack in the middle of corporate America now. But the point of this post is how I've learned how compromise can kill any good thing.

About three weeks ago something happened, something that shouldn't have happened. Again, I have to be vague here out of decency and respect, sorry. But that something that happened, though it was painful, has taught me a very important lesson... Compromise can and will kill anything good. And it's really awful how numb we can sometimes be to learning and listening to God's heart on matters until it's just too late. We get too caught up in a moment and don't care of the aftermath. Our pride makes us careless with the future and also with each other. What a sad yet invaluable truth to learn...

Poem: Wallflower

2009-04-08T00:56:00.002-04:00

Maybe you were a wallflower too
You never fit in entirely in any place, but you can fit in anywhere
You're smart enough to be respected by the geeks
Artistically gifted enough to be in with the musicians and artists
Believed in God enough to be secure, but always had issues with the cheesy and hypocritical scene that surrounded Him.
And the jocks could confide in you, because you posed no real threat
But mentally and emotionally
You were always on the fringes
Never really one or the other or really any of them
So you often felt outside of the crowd
Looking in like a flower on the wall

Poem: For the Artists

2009-04-08T00:44:00.003-04:00

How can we be content
To fall between the cracks
And hide the precious under bowls
The world, the system, has crippled us GOD!
For food and money we lay our talents aside
To meerely exist
The dancer waits tables
The pianist does marketing
The writer sells insurance
What the hell is this?
Really...
How can we really display to the full extent
When weighed down by this forsaken state?

Poem: Generation X

2009-04-05T15:26:00.005-04:00

June Cleavers and Clark Gables don't fit the bill
Neither do the superwomen or emasculated figures
Fit us
This era, or an aging generation named X
Goes still unknown
Finding no true image, no role, no place
For solid identity
We fit wherever society tells us
Like clothes that don't fit
We bust the seams and feel...
Uncomfortable
Maybe the most impassioned generation yet to come
But also the most directionless as well
What is our purpose?
Where are we really going with all of this?
We're not content with complacency
And all we know how to do
Is look for more
We can do anything for intelligence is limitless
But what is the point of having all the tools
Without any direction?
An upside down kingdom still seems to be the only solution
To an emotionally, mentally, and spiritually nomadic people
Never tied down, but often aimless, or at best just getting bye
We search looking for pleasure in the quickest sense
To forget the pang
The need for You...

Random Thoughts on "The Scene"...

2009-04-05T10:13:00.007-04:00

Years back, while I was in missions training, I remember discovering a funny and pithy phrase to describe the dating scene. By dating scene, I don't mean speed dating or your mom trying to hook you up with her girlfriend's son/daughter (You know, the one who actual makes your stomach turn at the thought). The phrase was "having your feelers out." By "feelers" the guy who coined it meant that it was obvious you were looking for someone. You know, the small talk that people start off with or maybe they'll ask you about your spiritual giftings and your calling in a first conversation if they're the super spiritual type. And if they like you, they want you to "pray" about it before moving on. Like they want you to seek God as to if they're "the one" before they've really given you enough time to get to know them. Note to the wise, if someone's not into you, praying about it isn't going to change that either. Yeah, I've gotten the "just pray about it" when I've kindly told someone I just wasn't interested. I've even experienced crazy things like being proposed to after someone knowing me just for two weeks! They were dead serious and apparently they had a "vision" that I was their wife.

Anyways, I don't know why it is that we can tend to throw out good common sense in the area of dating. Personally, I don't believe in dating just for the sake of dating. If I'm going to date someone, it's because I see that they have the potential of being a serious part of my life and maybe even my husband down the road. I think that's one of the main things that separates the Christian dating scene with that of others. Most of us don't want to date just for the sake of dating, it doesn't sit well with our spirit or our conscience.

So where's the healthy balance between spirituality and good common sense? I'll be honest, I'm still really figuring this out myself and I don't know how to answer this question. God needs to be the center, but I don't want someone or myself to get caught up on cloud 10,000 prematurely. Common sense is great, but it doesn't match-up to what God says; but still that doesn't mean that it should be thrown out the window.

The only thing that seems to make consistent sense is that when your heart, mind, and spirit are at peace then that's the best place to be - regardless of relationship status. And if one of those is out of wack, then it's important to do what's necessary to find that complete peace that He can provide. Until then, we'll all just have our "feelers" out trying to figure out what's out there; but never really tapping into it and understanding the entirety of His will and purpose for today or understanding the brevity of that arena.

Poem: More Wild

2009-03-31T13:46:00.002-04:00

So for today
I take a space to breathe
Rolled up in paint
Sprawled over a canvas
Painting love more extravagant
Than the common could accept
They won't understand
It's okay...

An Oddly Beautiful Gift

2009-03-11T09:29:00.004-04:00

Concerning the issue of writing, I realize that this blog has been part of my inner struggles with a gift. Years ago I had a dream where a woman was going about her job and was presented a gift that looked oddly beautiful and unlike anything ever seen before. My father was the one who presented it to her and I was standing by his side. The woman looked at it and politely said, "Thanks." It was a random act of kindness and my father was happy to do it. As he stepped away, she just gave the gift a strage look, not rudely or disrespectfully, but she just didn't understand what he had just done. He looked a little disappointed and sad because she didn't "get it." And then I woke up.

After thinking about it and how a few times I've had dreams where my father has done something and I've been standing by his side; I thought that there had to be something more to the dream. Now believe me, I'm not one of those weird people that thinks there's a meaning behind every dream. But I do believe there's meaning behind some of them - the more vivid ones. I think everyone believes that to some degree or another.

Well, I think the woman who didn't understand the gift was actually representative of me, the woman I am now and have grown into being. The gift is a culmination of things I think I'm supposed to come into - things that I've been naturally gifted with that most people don't understand. Even I am still trying to understand those things. They're strange and different, but good and beautiful nonetheless. And part of that gift is writing, I've treated it wrecklessly and carelessly at times. I've been lazy with it and haven't taken it seriously at times. Accademic writing made me hate it for a period of time due to it's monotony. And at times, I've just plain ignored it. But it is a large part of who I am regardless of whether I'm writing privately of publically. It is a passion and a love that I cannot avoid though I don't know how to let it out at times.

I guess that's part of the odd beauty of all this. Just like you, I am still trying to understand and get a handle on this thing called writing. I am still figuring out who I am, so my personal and creative writing changes with that. And even more than writing, I'm still figuring out how to function and understand the total sum of that oddly beautiful gift...

Sorting Out Sorts...

2009-03-08T11:15:00.003-04:00

So days run together everywhere, no matter where you go. I've been back in PA since the 20th of Feb., sixteen days to be exact since I left VA, and things have been up and down. It's not easy picking yourself up after plotting out a course for 7 months and finding that it doesn't work or doesn't work for you. Even still, it's nerve racking and saddening.

The same things that went in with you follow you when you leave. And I would have been wise to agree with my mother when she said, "Wherever your life is, there you are." But like the stubborn woman I am, it takes a while for things to sink in or accept the things that people tell me that I have a hard time swallowing.

Life has been a hard pill to swallow and almost none of it makes sense anymore and hasn't for quite some time...

Poem: From Him

2009-03-05T14:05:00.002-05:00

The following poem is one I wrote for my best friend Emilie and her husband Daniel's wedding.

From Him

Searching high and low
From the dirt of Mozambique to Eiffel tower of Paris
From the day you first entered your mothers' womb to the day you depart
I have thought of you
I have known your heart, mind, and soul
For it is I that have called you to be one...
Infinite and inseparable
Wealth nor poverty shall divide
Joy nor grief shall break beyond repair
In heart I have known you
In Spirit I have called you
Go forth from this day...
One heart, one mind, and one body
For in Me and only Me
Are you entirely one...

"Suavie Island" by Kickball

2009-03-01T11:09:00.004-05:00

My thoughts of recent easily parallel the lyrics to this song by Kickball. Click here to listen...

"Suavie Island"

I'm gonna spend my summer picking cherries on Sauvie Island
And when the season's done, I'll move on to plums.
And when the plums are done, the peaches have begun.
I'm gonna spend my summer picking peaches on Sauvie Island.

I wish it was true.
Wish wish wish come true.

But we are different animals, there's nothing we can do.
But I'm a bear, too.
I'm a bear, too.

I wish it was true
Wish wish wish come true
but i know that its fantasy, and I wont follow through
I won't follow through, I wont follow through
I wont, follow through, I know that its fantasy
and I...wont...follow...through.

Huckleberry Eater, I see you.
Don't acknowledge me
and when i need to, I'll reveal you.

Why I Had to Go...

2009-02-25T11:16:00.004-05:00

The following is actually something I wrote in my journal. Normally, I don't post things written from my journal as a means maintaining privacy; but in this case I think it is appropriate. Read on...

So on Sunday, last Sunday, I left the community in Hillsboro, VA. I left with $8.00 to my name and a quarter tank of gas in my car. Leaving was a leap of faith as it took just as much faith to leave there as it did in going there. Luckily someone had mysteriously left $50 in my travel toothbrush container on the day of my best friend's wedding. There had been tons of people around the house after the wedding, so there's really no way me knowing who left it there. But I'm extremely grateful that God had tapped someone on the shoulder to leave it there.

Well, after having two conversations with women who'd been involved there for a number of years; they told me that Jesus was not God. I even talked briefly with a couple about it and one of them said flat out that Jesus wasn't God and used the whole God cannot be tempted scripture along with the temptation of Christ as proof that Jesus wasn't God because He'd been tempted.

It all just didn't sit well with me. And the "revelation" I was waiting for wasn't coming. I was getting worse and worse. I was miserable and the thought of suicide crossed my mind briefly, but it crossed my mind nonetheless. And it's not anything specifically that people said - other than their perspective of me not being saved and the feeling of being an outsider that nagged at me - that made me feel like I was being torn down. I realized that their was a difference between conviction and condemnation. What resided over me was not of God. I couldn't hear God like I used to and He felt so distant. And the people (not all of them but the majority) didn't seem to have the true fruits of the Holy Spirit. They didn't seem to be truly happy and full of genuine joy.

What I did see was an act to appear to be joyful, but beneath the surface all I continually saw was sadness and people with broken spirits and burnt out energy. It was all sad and depressing to see. And I couldn't stand to think that's how my life would be. And I couldn't come to the conclusion that that's how God wanted my life to be either.

And on top of all that, I felt like everything I wanted was there too. Pure and upright men, beautiful children, healthy living, and close friendships. At the end it felt like I was being tempted like Jesus was in the wilderness as recorded in Matthew 4:1-11. For more than anything in my life, I've wanted a family and a loving, God filled environment to live in. I've denied much and resisted much to wait for my husband and my children; refusing to marry the wrong men at the wrong time. It was like the enemy was saying, "I'll give you all of this if you'll just deny that Jesus was God in the flesh." I couldn't do it nor will I even if it means turning down what appears to be the fulfillment of my deepest heart's desire other than seeing God's kingdom be built and for Him to return for His bride.

But then again, I had a conversation with a good friend last night who had a conversation with a man who is a huge proponent of carrying their vision. Apparently, he said that Jesus was God and everything seemed to make sense and not deny that He Jesus was God in the flesh. But I feel like further investigation is needed and like I need to talk to that man.

I'm still trying to figure all this out, but as of now I have peace about where I am. Here in Pennsylvania, I'm with people who know, understand, and love me. The love is not obligatory, but comes naturally and from the heart. And the time I spend alone with God is sweet and healing to my heart. I have no idea where I'll end up in the long run. And I've never been able to see the entire span of my life and say, "Yes, this is what I want to do with the rest of my life!" But I do know that I love God; I want to see His kingdom come; and that I need inner healing that cannot be provided by the shallowness of the things of this world.

Poem: Because I Have To

2009-02-25T08:51:00.006-05:00

And I will say this because I have to
Never, no never before
Was I ever there before
No place no comfort no understanding
No love
Such as then was ever before
Too afraid too bruised too battered
In emotion to entirely trust and not be afraid
I fought myself to keep a promise
"Promise me you won't make me pay for what happened to you before."
I tried, I fought myself
But I kept you at a distance
Whether it was reaction to intense circumstances
Or your temporary aloofness
Or just fears that rose up
I/We pushed and pulled each other close and away
Not for game not for play
Was it that I said I loved you too that day
And even now I am too afraid too bruised and too battered
To want to push against the tide for you to see
And to let you into a heart that has been closely gaurded for you
I say all of this not because I want to
But because I have to
For its just an alley way in for you to see
All that has been at work within me
The push and pull on my heart and my mind
And the love I've tried to escape and to deny
Because it appears to be easier...

Poem: If Only

2009-01-20T15:36:00.000-05:00

If you could see what I see
All your fears would fall to the floor and be no more
How He thought of the Pacific when He created you
With eyes only matched by the beauty of seas
And a crimson of old
Touched with the vibrancy of life in your mouth and cheeks
He thought of the earth too
While mixing chocolate brown with strands of gold

If only you could see what I see
All your fears would fall to the floor and be no more
You wouldn’t ask
Is he handsomer than me?
After sitting at an intriguing conversation
You wouldn’t say
I think you’re smarter than me
After hearing the life stories I share

If only you could see what I see
All your fears would fall to the floor and be no more
And you would know the radiance of your life
Understand the passion of your own heart
Not be frustrated with complexity and brilliance of your own mind
And how your name was not by chance
He thought of the beauty and complexity of creation when He formed you
Oh man called “life,” if only…

Out of Hiding....

2009-01-20T15:03:00.004-05:00

Hello again,

This blog is probably one of the best testimonies of my time here in Maryland. It is a chapter that has both scared and strengthened me. I have intentionally kept this blog very private for a long time, not leaving any way for anyone to find it via Google, any search engine, or any other means of searching. For a long time, one could only find this site if I directly gave them the address or they were already a friend on a private site where the address to this site would be posted.

In many ways, I have wrestled with myself and any giftings I may contain in this season more than any other. This site reflects that push and pull quite well. It is not to say that that inner wrestling has ended, but I have come to a point where I am comfortable in entirely owning and moving on from this season.

At the end of this month, I am moving to northern VA to further seek out God. After trying to follow Him for now 12 years, there are some crucial things I realize that I have missed and/or overlooked. I cannot ignore those things any longer and am going into a drastically new experience that requires that I totally lay down everything. Call it a greater attempt to get closer to the true heart of God or a rebirth. I don't know entirely what this next chapter entails all I know is that I am ready and open to being entirely unveiled unto His entire truth. I don't plan on holding onto any type of lukewarm philosophies or theologies that I might have been ensnared in before. My aim is to seek out God and God alone. There may be times where I cannot write on this blog as much as I would like to, but I extend an invitation to you to walk with me figuratively and metaphorically.

As my readers, know that I have loved and appreciated you. Your comments are always welcome as well as your questions. Feel free to pass the address of this blog along to anyone you feel would be interested and/or benefit from going on an adventure.

Yours truly,
Kyera

Saved from a Dunbar Story...

2008-12-11T12:43:00.004-05:00

I don't know how much if at all you have read the works of Paul Laurence Dunbar or Alice Dunbar-Nelson. They were a prominent African-American couple in the late 19th century and he's noted as one of America's most noteworthy Black writers up there with W.E.B. DuBois and Frederick Douglas. And for some reason, I've had a long standing fascination with African-American literature. He was a prolific poet and writer among which some of his most noted works are "We Wear the Mask" and Sport of the Gods. She wrote "Tony's Wife," "Stones of the Village" and many other short stories and poems. They seemed to be the ideal match, but under the surface of what society could see, he was abusive.

Currently, I'm reading Lyrics of Sunshine and Shadow as written by Eleanor Alexander. It provides a good historical understanding of their individual backgrounds, courtship, and marriage. To my surprise the much lauded writer, Paul Laurence Dunbar, was an alcoholic and not only raped Alice during their engagement, but nearly killed her on January 25, 1902 while they were married. That night was the was last time he ever saw her and she refused to correspond with him.

Looking at this relationship has made me take into account my own past. It is not to say that my ex-fiance Antoine R.J. Wright was an alcoholic (he never even drank) nor did he ever rape me. But after seeing him try to strangle his own flesh and blood, his sister; along with his repeated black-out anger fits that happened while living in Maryland, I am so glad that God literally saved me from what easily would have resulted in the abuse that Alice Dunbar-Nelson endured. The fact that we both love writing also made this parallel easy, even though neither of us have their standing yet in the writer's world.

God, forgive me for my stupidity in ever trying to make things work-out after the veil was lifted from my eyes concerning his temper and abusive nature. I'm so glad that God said "No!" even when I put the veil back on. It's sometimes so hard to remove yourself from a haze of perceived love, or what you hope is love.

What is Real

2008-11-10T20:27:00.004-05:00

There was a time once where I questioned if love was a myth that we taught ourselves to believe so things could be easier--so that there could be some kind of hope in a world of darkness. I wondered if there was anything that could truly stop time and everything that flows in it. Could there be something so wonderful to rise the soul above all that was around? Was there anything that could just take hold of you and totally bypass your mind and bring you somewhere so amazing that you would lose words and their meanings because what you were experiencing was so grand and far beyond words... But your heart understood everything even when your mind couldn't...

I am a woman that has been engaged, dated various men, and for years sought after understanding love. It was only early last summer when I acknowledged that I knew nothing of it and understood it not, that I was able to find it and start to understand it. And I was never one to believe that love at first sight could exist...But that is real too.

Poem: Fighting for Dreaming

2008-11-05T15:38:00.004-05:00

27 years circling on a spinning orb
Feeling much and seeing more
While a forced veil has suffocated truth
Sought to confine and blind
No more in a fruitless fight for the greater
Not a rose colored hue, but something
More vivid, transparent, and beautiful
Than a fantasy could ever be
Thus the veil gets torn
What was only felt can now be seen
As another layer is put off in a fight
Fighting for what was only once thought to be dreaming

Poem: Waiting

2008-10-20T23:23:00.006-04:00

Hands are moving in circles
Woken early too often
Wondering and waiting
Too much was said
To excuse reality for dreams
Society and fast paced life
Screams to not to
Swaying up and down the coast
Killing time sweetly with occupancy
Learning to calm the seas with memories
And wait patiently
Strength never before experienced
To wade and wait through time
And let Him continue on with the script
A man will never lie to his best friend of love
And a woman will wait forever for that which is true...

Poem: East Coast

2008-10-19T22:54:00.003-04:00

Stretched along the east coast
From New York to North Carolina
Flickering with silver and gold
A breeze has blown since I was 17
Scattering pieces
Of letters, poems, late night kisses
Exploration, laughter
And tears
Mysteries and concrete emotions have blown through life
Scattering everything leaving sense of nothing
I remember jumping in a pool fully clothed when we first met
I remember your lines of poetry on that day

Not Religious, Just True

2008-10-10T13:31:00.002-04:00

I was just journaling for a little while and the following post is reflective of that time...

This current life is depressing. The current church (mainstream Christianity, NOT Jesus) is a sham with the majority of people comfortable on the surface or caught-up in minor debates that don't include sanctification and freedom, but things that enable a finger to be pointed at others for their wrongs.

Presently, there are no real solutions for the hurting world past accepting Jesus into one's life - which is invaluable, but there is more that is needed along with that inward choice. By no means are we saved by works; but if we love God, why aren't we looking past our own agendas and selfcenteredness? It's a shame how we're a body that can't love anyone but ourselves or those who somehow benefit ourselves. Jesus loved radically meeting all the emotional, spiritual, and physical needs of those He came in contact with. Those of us who have been walking with Him for years should be ashamed for the lack of fruit we yield. We should be ashamed for the lack of real love we give to Him and to others. Yes, we need His help, but we show lack of discipline and obedience in abiding in His help.

He leads us to the waters and we marvel at their beauty, but our mouths are dry and our bodies dehydrated. We don't know how to drink and we don't know how to walk. And it is pride that keeps us from admitting the truth to ourselves and to Him. And it is fear that keeps us from telling others.

We feel "free" without true accountability forgetting that the life He lived was ultimate freedom and have come to accept a mere shadow of truth. We allow ourselves to be deceived and ensnared...